Hey guys, i'm now starting over at http://survivesurvivor.blogspot.com/
posted by Ryanryan at
Monday, July 03, 2006
|
3 comments
Monday, July 3
Wednesday, January 18
Hopped outta bed at 0730. =s I really gotta stop hitting the snooze function of my phone's alarm clock!
Oh no, it is just so scary, when i am bending over in the toilet in front of the mirror, guess what? =s A lump of fat around my stomach pops out! It is so like a reminder of my weight gain! =( I was so freaked out by it. Logically, i should be glad that i am gaining weight right?? So why am i beating myself up over it??
Looking out of the window and trying not to cry. Trying to drown out the anorexic Voice in my head berating me for all the forbidden foods i have been eating in the past few days! But it is just, well, hard... The Voice just uses JiaYing's face and appears on any surface, just accusing me of every single food that passed my mouth. Can the torture just end, and let me enjoy my food??
Ok, after a long sit down and mulling over of the situation, i realized that adding fats to my body is inevitable. I had this funky body composition test done at the totally fab gym near Somerset station, and the results was that my % composition of body matter is a little off, with like 3% less body fat than normal people who should have like 10% of their body being fats, instead of my like 7%. =(
Saw Dr Lee before breakfast, and she is quite happy that i am putting stuff into perspective again! =) Making plans for leaving during the weekend. Yay, i can check out on Friday afternoon and be back on either Sunday night or Monday morning!
Dr Lee also explained in great detail about the experiment that Ms Boon mentioned about, the one about effects of starvation in the human body. =/ Eek, i could die if i suddenly increased my food intake since the body can't take it, like how quite a lot of wartime prisoners dropped dead after going home and going back into their normal diets!
Breakfast 0835-0925
1 bowl oats with soy sauce
1 eggwhite
1 glass Marigold lowfat milk
1 slice bread
1 cup coffee
Breakfast was great, and i realized oats with dash of milk, Equal and soy sauce is just heavenly! =)
Trying to convince Inquisitive Gal over breakfast that we do not just need to eat more, but that there is a mental aspect to cure too. =/ Just feeling that it is hard to talk her over, she is quite like set on being discharged after her test results (x-rays etc) are released and the dietician give her a recommendation on how to eat.
Retreated back to room and was giggling like mad for the next half-hour as i watched America's Funniest Home Videos. =) Really cracks me up sometimes, the funny way you see people trip themselves up etc!
Mom called and we had a long conversation. Can't wait to see her tonight! =) With so much energy, i am just like cheerful and upbeat, and chattering on and on like a crazy chipmunk!
Cool, Uncle JiaFa is bringing mom to the place to get really fresh cod, and she is also planning to buy sashimi-grade salmon for Chinese New Year too! =) Can't wait to eat some this weekend when i am home!
Mom is also really happy that i am now aware of how crazy i was when anorexia still had me in its grip, and that i am changing into a more 'normal' person now. I feel the same way too! It is like, i now am not crazy-sensitive over oil in food. Sure thing la, like normal people, i don't deliberately slurp it up, but i don't freak out and start rinsing my food to get rid of the teensy specks of oil on it too.
Roomie is allowed on day leaves now, and just left with his mom. =) Hope that he would have a happy day outside! He complains that the hospital still would not let him stay overnight at home, and his work is kinda jeopardized by the hospital stay, but he is keeping his head up and hoping for the best. =) Let's pray for his recovery and being able to keep his job!
1040
1 packet Ensure Plus (chocolate)
After the action-packed morning, the late morning seemed kinda flat and boring. Inquisitive Gal and the other women are watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory on a portable DVD player. It belongs to the woman who used to freak out when she saw me, but now that she is recovering and the medication is taking effect, she is turning out to be a really nice lady!
It is quite amazing how changed we are when we suffer from a mental illness. We become a totally different person! =) I'm finding the old bubbly Sec 3/4 me emerging again from the cold shell that i am for the most of last year. I am sure my parents and family are seeing the difference in me, and are glad to see the YueHeng they used to know and love!
Lunch 1220-1310
3 fishballs and some beancurd skin in soup
3/4 apple
1 serving pork in black pepper sauce
1 serving stirfried vegetables
1/2 plate rice
The pork was really, really good this lunch, and the sauce, woah, sweet and lipsmacking, not at all spicy! =) Soup was kinda oily though, and i was fishing the ingredients out of the liquid which tasted really salty. =s
Kinda irritated over lunch as Inquisitive Gal kept complaining about the food, and wanting more chilli to go with her steamed fish. =s She even brought like Tabasco sauce to season her stuff really spicily! Hmm... Could it be like that study on starvation where people who are starved have extreme tastes and so on?
Oh no, the skies outside seem to be cloudgng over really badly... =( *crosses fingers* I sure hope that it would not pour and destroy my planned night out with the family... It is a really, really precious occasion which i am looking forward to.
It is starting to go boring, and i can't believe i can be feeling bored and starting to dwell on food once more... Hmm, flicking the channels and not finding much... Stayed on HBO, and just barely glancing at Blue Crush, this surfing movie that is on right now. Maybe i should go to the lounge and start on watching the Grudge. =) Scare myself wide awake and silly!
Ee ok, the Soap Bubbles Gal is in the lounge and does not want to watch the Grudge. Sigh, scared of it. =/ Not sure what else to do this afternoon, feeling bored and everything.
intense Gal is at the door and doing some painting. Hmm, maybe i should just occupy myself with some writing or something. =) Been a long time since i last had the mental faculties to undertake a Survivor fan fiction! Okie, that is it. Let's start!
Was in the shower when Ms Boon, the psychologist, came knocking around to summon me to a group psychotherapy session. Oops, lucky i was finishing up when she knocked!
The therapy session was really useful. We (Intense Gal, JC Gal who's here till dinner, and me) discussed ways of coping with Chinese New Year. Reunion dinner should be pretty ok since most of us are having steamboat, and hopefully, no bingeing takes place. The main thing all of us are worried about: New Year cookies and kuih-kuih!
I know very well that these sweet stuff will trigger a binge. Once you start on one, you can't stop. Pineapple tarts, almond cookies, cornflake clusters, love letters... =s I'm so scared of touching them. In fact, just fantasizing about them makes me drool already!! =( One way of stopping a binge would be, as Ms Boon suggested, to have a change in taste such as popping a sour preserved plum into your mouth, which kinds of 'shock' you awake.
And also, it is best not to know where the goodies are kept so that we would not sneak into the living room and start a midnight binge! =/ And never, ever be caught alone with the food. Don't be the last person to leave the living room at night, or the temptation might be so great that we just start on a binge!
Sigh, and there is also the little problem of concerned relatives bombarding me with food to try to get me to fatten up. I would need help from my parents to stop the onslaught sometimes, as well as learning to say no politely. The relatives are also worried about our weight but choose to express it in a way that may trigger a binge, which is also bad for us.
Hee, towards end of session, we started, well, gossiping about Inquisitive Gal. =/ I guess all of us were like her when we first came in, deep in the clutches of anorexia and totally unaware of it. And also recoiling in shock over what that is on the hospital menu and everything! =s Her arrival definitely showed us what we were like before starting on our recoveries!
Until even now, Inquisitive Gal does not believe she has an eating disorder, and insists that she is merely eating healthily. Well, i was doing the same argument in my head too before finally coming to grips with the truth.
1620-1710
1 packet Novasource
few nibbles carrot and cinnamon cake
Time for the snack and supplement! =/ Sitting down with a nice book to pore over while sipping my Novasource.
Oops, Auntie AikWah called just as i was about to start on my Novasource, and as i was happily chatting and walking round as per my habit to do so when talking on the phone, the dietician arrived and gave me an exasperated frown! =( She always seem to catch me on the phone and walking around! And assumes that i spend most of my time walking round too! Sigh...
So bloated after the supplement. At the least, i managed to reduce the amount of dilution today to 3 cups of water! =) Hopefully, can reduce by more, since i still feel a definite sensation of liquids sloshing around inside me!!
Yay, the rain is over, so the trip to Chinatown with my family should still be on! =) I can't wait to go ballistic in conversations with them again!
Dinner 1800-1850
1 kuih pisang (banana pudding)
1 serving stirfried maogua in oil
1 large pc fish fillet in taucheo
1/3 plate rice
some pickled cucumber and tomato
1 large banana (frozen)
Started with the marvelous kuih, it totally smacked of the shiok coconut milk and banana taste. =) The fish in taucheo was excellent too! So totally like a curry, yet not a curry! The frozen banana also turned out like an icecream... =) Next time, i would freeze and enjoy my Del Monte bananas...
Grr, so pissed by the nurse who forced me to finish all my rice, even scooping up those left in the sauce of the vegetables, which was truly oily! =( Next time, i am going to chuck all my rice outta the window or something, i'm so mad!
Mom said that they would be coming around 2015 to pick me up, and now i am just too hoppish to sit still!! =)
Okie, family's late because of the sudden shower of rain outside, which thankfully lasted just half an hour. Pacing up and down the corridors just waiting for them to come! =s Intense Gal and Inquisitive Gal are having their supplements, and Inquisitive Gal (as usual...) asking lots of questions like which supplement is nice and everything...
Mom arrived finally, and off i go, hair all done and happy to leave the ward! =) Yapping away like mad as i trotted after WeiWei and her to the car porch where dad and grandma waited in the car.
We're off to Chinatown! =) We intend to walk through a section of the Chinese New Year bazaar and maybe buy some stuff, and hit a Chinese dessert shop in that area for a nice supper. =) And i'm all raring to satisfy my craving for Pepsi MAX!
Eek, got a rude shock in the car when grandma started feeling around my hands and legs, and i just yelped, maybe rather rudely! =( She is concerned about me after all, and is scared that my body temperature is still low like last time (one effect of lowered metabolism rate). =( Should apologize one of these days when i see her. Come to think of it, i think i shocked her too with my suprised 'What?!'.
Woah, the place is sure crowded! We ran into some trouble finding a carpark that was not full, and after getting off, had to brave the throngs of people who are there shopping too! =s Dad does not seem too happy about facing the sea of human bodies!
Mom shopped for some pyjamas while the rest of us milled around and i talked to dad. =s The jammies in the shop looked awfully like the hospital clothes! Gosh!
We headed to the bazaar in the streets around the Chinatown MRT station, and man, was it like swimming upstream through a river of migrating salmon or something! =/ Dodging bulky shopping bags, aunties chattering away excitedly, dazed tourists and yelling storeowners, we squeezed our way through the throng to see the stalls. Watching out for the dripping bits of dirty water from the recent rain too!
The bazaar was stocked with all sort of things! Tacky Chinese New Year decorations, sparklers, Chinese New Year goodies... Everything! =) Mom was going crazy and checking out all the cushion covers and stuff. The interior design demon in her is unleashed! WeiWei was also really happy to find some bomb bags which dad allowed him to buy.
Hey, i still remember these nifty little bomb bags, played those in primary school, they were awfully fun! =) You pressed the little satchets in the middle to burst this small bag inside, and the thing starts inflating, and explodes with a loud pop a minute or so later. =) Can't wait to play 'War' with WeiWei at home, hurling bomb bags at each other and giggling madly!
Had an interesting discovery in Chinatown! =) I did not obsess over food anymore! Last time, my mind would be stuck on the Chinese New Year goodies as i walked past them, and i would keep looking back at them, fantasizing about their taste. But tonight, i just looked at them, felt that they looked interesting and delicious, and forgot all about them by the time my eyes drifted onto the next stall! It feels so liberating to be free of the clutches of a binge feeling!
Mom found her way to the dessert store she had been raving about, and we all entered excitedly. It sells all the different Chinese dessert pastes like peanut, sesame etc. =) I used to feast on them like there is no tomorrow!
Dad and grandma got almond pastes while mom and WeiWei got black sesame versions. I decided to sit it out, didn't want to risk a binge nor do explaining when i return to the ward! =s Haha, so sipped Pepsi Light and tried a spoonful of the pastes. =) Mm... It is heavenly soft, not gritty nor too sweet, and just tickles the palate, enough to tempt you to pluck the whole bowl up and empty it into your mouth!
Oh no, realized that it is time to go back. The hospital called, in fact, to hurry me back! =s We made a hasty departure and dad drove at warp speed. Said goodbye to them. The weekend seems so far away!
Back in the ward, took my Prozac. Hmm, Dr Lee increased my dosage in preparation of Chinese New Year, when hopefully, it would reduce the chances of a binge occuring.
Joined Intense Gal at the lounge while she watched America's Next Top Model and i flipped today's papers which mom brought along for me. =) It is truly a wonderful, wonderful day for me!
Oh no, it is just so scary, when i am bending over in the toilet in front of the mirror, guess what? =s A lump of fat around my stomach pops out! It is so like a reminder of my weight gain! =( I was so freaked out by it. Logically, i should be glad that i am gaining weight right?? So why am i beating myself up over it??
Looking out of the window and trying not to cry. Trying to drown out the anorexic Voice in my head berating me for all the forbidden foods i have been eating in the past few days! But it is just, well, hard... The Voice just uses JiaYing's face and appears on any surface, just accusing me of every single food that passed my mouth. Can the torture just end, and let me enjoy my food??
Ok, after a long sit down and mulling over of the situation, i realized that adding fats to my body is inevitable. I had this funky body composition test done at the totally fab gym near Somerset station, and the results was that my % composition of body matter is a little off, with like 3% less body fat than normal people who should have like 10% of their body being fats, instead of my like 7%. =(
Saw Dr Lee before breakfast, and she is quite happy that i am putting stuff into perspective again! =) Making plans for leaving during the weekend. Yay, i can check out on Friday afternoon and be back on either Sunday night or Monday morning!
Dr Lee also explained in great detail about the experiment that Ms Boon mentioned about, the one about effects of starvation in the human body. =/ Eek, i could die if i suddenly increased my food intake since the body can't take it, like how quite a lot of wartime prisoners dropped dead after going home and going back into their normal diets!
Breakfast 0835-0925
1 bowl oats with soy sauce
1 eggwhite
1 glass Marigold lowfat milk
1 slice bread
1 cup coffee
Breakfast was great, and i realized oats with dash of milk, Equal and soy sauce is just heavenly! =)
Trying to convince Inquisitive Gal over breakfast that we do not just need to eat more, but that there is a mental aspect to cure too. =/ Just feeling that it is hard to talk her over, she is quite like set on being discharged after her test results (x-rays etc) are released and the dietician give her a recommendation on how to eat.
Retreated back to room and was giggling like mad for the next half-hour as i watched America's Funniest Home Videos. =) Really cracks me up sometimes, the funny way you see people trip themselves up etc!
Mom called and we had a long conversation. Can't wait to see her tonight! =) With so much energy, i am just like cheerful and upbeat, and chattering on and on like a crazy chipmunk!
Cool, Uncle JiaFa is bringing mom to the place to get really fresh cod, and she is also planning to buy sashimi-grade salmon for Chinese New Year too! =) Can't wait to eat some this weekend when i am home!
Mom is also really happy that i am now aware of how crazy i was when anorexia still had me in its grip, and that i am changing into a more 'normal' person now. I feel the same way too! It is like, i now am not crazy-sensitive over oil in food. Sure thing la, like normal people, i don't deliberately slurp it up, but i don't freak out and start rinsing my food to get rid of the teensy specks of oil on it too.
Roomie is allowed on day leaves now, and just left with his mom. =) Hope that he would have a happy day outside! He complains that the hospital still would not let him stay overnight at home, and his work is kinda jeopardized by the hospital stay, but he is keeping his head up and hoping for the best. =) Let's pray for his recovery and being able to keep his job!
1040
1 packet Ensure Plus (chocolate)
After the action-packed morning, the late morning seemed kinda flat and boring. Inquisitive Gal and the other women are watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory on a portable DVD player. It belongs to the woman who used to freak out when she saw me, but now that she is recovering and the medication is taking effect, she is turning out to be a really nice lady!
It is quite amazing how changed we are when we suffer from a mental illness. We become a totally different person! =) I'm finding the old bubbly Sec 3/4 me emerging again from the cold shell that i am for the most of last year. I am sure my parents and family are seeing the difference in me, and are glad to see the YueHeng they used to know and love!
Lunch 1220-1310
3 fishballs and some beancurd skin in soup
3/4 apple
1 serving pork in black pepper sauce
1 serving stirfried vegetables
1/2 plate rice
The pork was really, really good this lunch, and the sauce, woah, sweet and lipsmacking, not at all spicy! =) Soup was kinda oily though, and i was fishing the ingredients out of the liquid which tasted really salty. =s
Kinda irritated over lunch as Inquisitive Gal kept complaining about the food, and wanting more chilli to go with her steamed fish. =s She even brought like Tabasco sauce to season her stuff really spicily! Hmm... Could it be like that study on starvation where people who are starved have extreme tastes and so on?
Oh no, the skies outside seem to be cloudgng over really badly... =( *crosses fingers* I sure hope that it would not pour and destroy my planned night out with the family... It is a really, really precious occasion which i am looking forward to.
It is starting to go boring, and i can't believe i can be feeling bored and starting to dwell on food once more... Hmm, flicking the channels and not finding much... Stayed on HBO, and just barely glancing at Blue Crush, this surfing movie that is on right now. Maybe i should go to the lounge and start on watching the Grudge. =) Scare myself wide awake and silly!
Ee ok, the Soap Bubbles Gal is in the lounge and does not want to watch the Grudge. Sigh, scared of it. =/ Not sure what else to do this afternoon, feeling bored and everything.
intense Gal is at the door and doing some painting. Hmm, maybe i should just occupy myself with some writing or something. =) Been a long time since i last had the mental faculties to undertake a Survivor fan fiction! Okie, that is it. Let's start!
Was in the shower when Ms Boon, the psychologist, came knocking around to summon me to a group psychotherapy session. Oops, lucky i was finishing up when she knocked!
The therapy session was really useful. We (Intense Gal, JC Gal who's here till dinner, and me) discussed ways of coping with Chinese New Year. Reunion dinner should be pretty ok since most of us are having steamboat, and hopefully, no bingeing takes place. The main thing all of us are worried about: New Year cookies and kuih-kuih!
I know very well that these sweet stuff will trigger a binge. Once you start on one, you can't stop. Pineapple tarts, almond cookies, cornflake clusters, love letters... =s I'm so scared of touching them. In fact, just fantasizing about them makes me drool already!! =( One way of stopping a binge would be, as Ms Boon suggested, to have a change in taste such as popping a sour preserved plum into your mouth, which kinds of 'shock' you awake.
And also, it is best not to know where the goodies are kept so that we would not sneak into the living room and start a midnight binge! =/ And never, ever be caught alone with the food. Don't be the last person to leave the living room at night, or the temptation might be so great that we just start on a binge!
Sigh, and there is also the little problem of concerned relatives bombarding me with food to try to get me to fatten up. I would need help from my parents to stop the onslaught sometimes, as well as learning to say no politely. The relatives are also worried about our weight but choose to express it in a way that may trigger a binge, which is also bad for us.
Hee, towards end of session, we started, well, gossiping about Inquisitive Gal. =/ I guess all of us were like her when we first came in, deep in the clutches of anorexia and totally unaware of it. And also recoiling in shock over what that is on the hospital menu and everything! =s Her arrival definitely showed us what we were like before starting on our recoveries!
Until even now, Inquisitive Gal does not believe she has an eating disorder, and insists that she is merely eating healthily. Well, i was doing the same argument in my head too before finally coming to grips with the truth.
1620-1710
1 packet Novasource
few nibbles carrot and cinnamon cake
Time for the snack and supplement! =/ Sitting down with a nice book to pore over while sipping my Novasource.
Oops, Auntie AikWah called just as i was about to start on my Novasource, and as i was happily chatting and walking round as per my habit to do so when talking on the phone, the dietician arrived and gave me an exasperated frown! =( She always seem to catch me on the phone and walking around! And assumes that i spend most of my time walking round too! Sigh...
So bloated after the supplement. At the least, i managed to reduce the amount of dilution today to 3 cups of water! =) Hopefully, can reduce by more, since i still feel a definite sensation of liquids sloshing around inside me!!
Yay, the rain is over, so the trip to Chinatown with my family should still be on! =) I can't wait to go ballistic in conversations with them again!
Dinner 1800-1850
1 kuih pisang (banana pudding)
1 serving stirfried maogua in oil
1 large pc fish fillet in taucheo
1/3 plate rice
some pickled cucumber and tomato
1 large banana (frozen)
Started with the marvelous kuih, it totally smacked of the shiok coconut milk and banana taste. =) The fish in taucheo was excellent too! So totally like a curry, yet not a curry! The frozen banana also turned out like an icecream... =) Next time, i would freeze and enjoy my Del Monte bananas...
Grr, so pissed by the nurse who forced me to finish all my rice, even scooping up those left in the sauce of the vegetables, which was truly oily! =( Next time, i am going to chuck all my rice outta the window or something, i'm so mad!
Mom said that they would be coming around 2015 to pick me up, and now i am just too hoppish to sit still!! =)
Okie, family's late because of the sudden shower of rain outside, which thankfully lasted just half an hour. Pacing up and down the corridors just waiting for them to come! =s Intense Gal and Inquisitive Gal are having their supplements, and Inquisitive Gal (as usual...) asking lots of questions like which supplement is nice and everything...
Mom arrived finally, and off i go, hair all done and happy to leave the ward! =) Yapping away like mad as i trotted after WeiWei and her to the car porch where dad and grandma waited in the car.
We're off to Chinatown! =) We intend to walk through a section of the Chinese New Year bazaar and maybe buy some stuff, and hit a Chinese dessert shop in that area for a nice supper. =) And i'm all raring to satisfy my craving for Pepsi MAX!
Eek, got a rude shock in the car when grandma started feeling around my hands and legs, and i just yelped, maybe rather rudely! =( She is concerned about me after all, and is scared that my body temperature is still low like last time (one effect of lowered metabolism rate). =( Should apologize one of these days when i see her. Come to think of it, i think i shocked her too with my suprised 'What?!'.
Woah, the place is sure crowded! We ran into some trouble finding a carpark that was not full, and after getting off, had to brave the throngs of people who are there shopping too! =s Dad does not seem too happy about facing the sea of human bodies!
Mom shopped for some pyjamas while the rest of us milled around and i talked to dad. =s The jammies in the shop looked awfully like the hospital clothes! Gosh!
We headed to the bazaar in the streets around the Chinatown MRT station, and man, was it like swimming upstream through a river of migrating salmon or something! =/ Dodging bulky shopping bags, aunties chattering away excitedly, dazed tourists and yelling storeowners, we squeezed our way through the throng to see the stalls. Watching out for the dripping bits of dirty water from the recent rain too!
The bazaar was stocked with all sort of things! Tacky Chinese New Year decorations, sparklers, Chinese New Year goodies... Everything! =) Mom was going crazy and checking out all the cushion covers and stuff. The interior design demon in her is unleashed! WeiWei was also really happy to find some bomb bags which dad allowed him to buy.
Hey, i still remember these nifty little bomb bags, played those in primary school, they were awfully fun! =) You pressed the little satchets in the middle to burst this small bag inside, and the thing starts inflating, and explodes with a loud pop a minute or so later. =) Can't wait to play 'War' with WeiWei at home, hurling bomb bags at each other and giggling madly!
Had an interesting discovery in Chinatown! =) I did not obsess over food anymore! Last time, my mind would be stuck on the Chinese New Year goodies as i walked past them, and i would keep looking back at them, fantasizing about their taste. But tonight, i just looked at them, felt that they looked interesting and delicious, and forgot all about them by the time my eyes drifted onto the next stall! It feels so liberating to be free of the clutches of a binge feeling!
Mom found her way to the dessert store she had been raving about, and we all entered excitedly. It sells all the different Chinese dessert pastes like peanut, sesame etc. =) I used to feast on them like there is no tomorrow!
Dad and grandma got almond pastes while mom and WeiWei got black sesame versions. I decided to sit it out, didn't want to risk a binge nor do explaining when i return to the ward! =s Haha, so sipped Pepsi Light and tried a spoonful of the pastes. =) Mm... It is heavenly soft, not gritty nor too sweet, and just tickles the palate, enough to tempt you to pluck the whole bowl up and empty it into your mouth!
Oh no, realized that it is time to go back. The hospital called, in fact, to hurry me back! =s We made a hasty departure and dad drove at warp speed. Said goodbye to them. The weekend seems so far away!
Back in the ward, took my Prozac. Hmm, Dr Lee increased my dosage in preparation of Chinese New Year, when hopefully, it would reduce the chances of a binge occuring.
Joined Intense Gal at the lounge while she watched America's Next Top Model and i flipped today's papers which mom brought along for me. =) It is truly a wonderful, wonderful day for me!
posted by Ryanryan at
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
|
3 comments
Tuesday, January 17
It is a Tuesday today, like exactly 2 weeks which i have been here...
The ward feels stifling most of the time, but i guess it also kinds of offer a crazy sort of protection to me from anorexia. In here, i surrender all control of my food and caloric intake. I hate it, resent it, for not being able to decide and control what i eat. I know how much food i need now, and am ready to face the outside world, exercise, study, everything, and still enjoy my food.
Crazy aunties walking up and down the corridor outside singing. =s Hello, it is barely 0700 in the morning and you are driving everyone nuts! =s We need a Simon Cowell here to issue them a cease and desist!
At the least, my parents would be able to bring me out today. I sure hope that i would be able to leave during the day instead of suffering through supervised lunch and the boring afternoons which usually tend to be the times when i get really depressed!
JC Gal's not around, she's back at school to try it out again today. Hope today would be fun for her! =) It may be harder for us since we need to try to deal with the stress of eating at the canteen! =s It is so horrible! Everybody else lover recess and lunch, and here we are, dreading it!
Breakfast 0810-0855
1 bowl oats
1 cup Marigold lowfat milk
1 eggwhite
1 slice wholemeal bread
1 pack guava juice
Aww, couldn't get the pancakes i wanted, had to settle for the normal oats again. =( Haha, anyway, starting to get a little bored of it, maybe pick something different tomorrow, or throw the sushi/sashimi soya sauce in the oats next time! Today was also different, finally having the bread instead of leaving it, heh, happily dipping it in everything like juice and milk. Love the great guava juice!
Saw Dr Lee halfway through breakfast. Kinda talked about last few days. Hmm, why are all the doctors asking me if i water-loaded during my last weigh in?? =s Weird. Don't tell me that the gain of 1.4kg was extreme!! Eek!! I don't want to suffer from crazy weight gaining!
1020
1 packet Ensure Plus (vanilla)
Spent the morning literally lazing around watching the Golden Globe Awards show, reading the Unofficial Guide to Walt Disney World and not doing much.
The occupational therapist came looking for me around 1100 and it became a 1-to-1 session since JC Gal is not around today.
The session was mainly about dealing with the weekend home leave, like coming up with a plan to spend it fruitfully and everything. =) But i have already decided to do it as a normal weekend, just enjoying all the usual things i do and squeezing in a bit of shopping for clothes for the Chinese New Year!
Occupational therapist also in charge of supervised lunch today. =/ She is quite nice, but i always resent having to eat under a person's watchful eye. Sigh...
Lunch 1225-1300
1 serving lamb casserole with mixed vegetables
2 scoops mashed potato
1 serving stirfried cabbage
1 bowl minestrone (carrot, tomato, alphabet pasta)
1 1/2 orange
The first time i tried lamb, and gosh, it is good! =) It has this unique flavor! The soup was nice today too, lots of stuff in it and not too oily.
We spent the session chatting more than usual about fruits, or rather, freezing them! =p Intense Gal had been experimenting with freezing all the fruits in the freezer before eating them. I tried banana yesterday, and it turned out great!
To do a nice frozen banana, find one that's kinda bruised or so ripe it is starting to go black, peel it, stick it in the freezer on a plate, and wait for maybe 1/2 to 2 hours if you like it soft or longer if you want it hard. Dig in with a spoon or suck it after that! =) Trust me, it tastes like icecream, with this milky taste in it too!
Intense Gal said berries freeze well too, and papaya also. Watermelon turns out to be flavored ice (icky), apples tough to bite, and just do not agree with oranges. =) Ok, i think i would experiment with my fruits too, considering that i have an extra serving of it at lunch everyday!
Locked away quite a bit of fruit trivia from that session! =) Like, don't drink water after eating pineapples, it will react with the acid in the pineapple's juice and give you a nasty bite on your tongue. =s
Dragged out to be a long boring afternoon with nothing much to do... *Yawn*
Hey, Roomie is so lucky! =) The doctors have now decided that it is safe for him to head downstairs by himself. Roomie told me that he is so seriously tempted to go further than that, but sigh, no change of clothes nor wallet, so can't do much until his mom brings them along. =/
Mom was telling me to maybe visit the hospital's library over here to find books on nutrition to pore over. Hmm, it closes at 1800, and i can't go down without being accompanied by my parents. Ugh...
Ooh, there's a new girl who arrived today! =/ Seems awfully skinny and not happy to be here too. Sigh, even though she is ambulatory, the nurse insisted the poor dear to sit on a wheelchair. Well, she is really, really thin though, maybe they are worried she will faint on them or something!
I wonder if this stay will become any simpler for me... =/ I'm really dreading the meals because i'm so guilty about them, yet logically, i should be happy that i am ingesting the correct calories! =s It is just so hard sometimes to switch the accusing voice in your head off. I so want to give up and not eat! It is so scary knowing that i am breaking the 'caloric limit' of an average guy my age since i'm like taking in 3000plus cal a day!
Kinda passed out on my bed out of sheer boredom at 1530... =s So bored that can fall asleep! Jerked awake round 1600 by the sharp peals of lightning and thunder from outside... Woo, i think that the sky is preparing to pour! =/ The thunder is really, really scary and loud, like the lightning is striking just outside the window or something!!
1610-1640
1 packet Novasource
1 sandwich fillings (tomato, cucumber, lettuce, some butter)
Vastly reduced my dilution of the Novasource, used much less water now, whew... =/ So as to try to reduce the amount of uncomfortable stomach bloat... Eek, feeling a little peckish after that, attacked my tea snack of vegetable sandwich. =/ Ok, maybe i need more water after all, to prevent myself from going on a binge!
Chatting with Intense Gal as we sipped our supplements. She was reminiscing about school life and how she did not experience a mixed-gender school until JC... =/ Poor her! Just some idle chat while we chugged the sweet stuff down.
Discovered that JC Gal has been kinda discharged and now coming back during dinner or as much of the day as she can manage after school. Ooh i am wondering how i am going to survive ACJC again too!
Dinner 1810-1855
4 chunks chicken stewed in wine and oil with woodear
1 serving stirfried longbeans
1 plate rice
some wintermelon soup
1 peach crumble
The chicken (it's named Shaoxing Drunken Chicken) was marvelous! =) I was totally plucking away at the meat with my fork. Same goes for the excellent crumble which was absolutely heavenly... Mm... =) JC Gal agreed too when she started on her's!
Was chatting with the girl who just arrived. Hmm, she does not seem like she will be discharged quickly though, judging by her pickiness about food and being vocal about it. =s She (ok, let's call her Inquisitive Gal) insists on not having lunch etc. =( Should keep her opinions to herself or else Dr Lee will never discharge her!
JC Gal was also rather bleak on her prediction about Inquisitive Gal's discharge. Both of us were exchanging looks over dinner as Inquisitive Gal chatted on and about how she would like things here. Personally, i am wondering if fireworks will fly at supervised lunch tomorrow if she insists on not eating! =s Can't imagine the taciturn dietician (the other one, not the one in charge of me) would react if she refuses to eat!
Went back to the activity room as Inquisitive Gal is choosing her menu for tomorrow. =/ *stares wistfully* It so reminds me of my first day here when i am all dazed, hurt and confused, and staring at the exact same Tuesday dinner (deepfried sweet and sour pork).
*Shakes myself out of revelry* Now chatting with her dad. He seems really unsure about the disease and feels that it is just a matter of eating more. =( It is not that we don't want to eat, actually. I think it is more like, the Voice refuses to let us eat! And if we eat, we would have to pay for it in some way, like exercise for me.
I think that having Inquisitive Gal here today really shook my world up. =/ *sheepish look* Actually, i was planning to not finish my rice, but talking to her put everything into perspective again for me. I am here to get better and to gain weight back into a healthy range. It was a really good reminder of what i really am here for, because i am starting to lose sight of the end point and sink into depression again...
I'm not very sure why, but with the influx of carbohydrates at dinner (the rice and the crumble), i'm feeling infinitely more energetic and on a sort of high, like bouncing round and everything. Hmm, maybe the strategy to feel comfortable with dinner without so much of bloat would be to drag it out and enjoy it while talking?
Stood beside Intense Gal in the corridor as she worked on her art and we started chatting about the eating disorder we share. =) I'm quite happy to see that i have come quite a long way from the old me. =) One odd thing that struck me was how crazy i was when my weight was really low. Somehow, the lower our weights go, the more anorexic our thinking is! Like obsessing over that little zero point something of fat that is not going to matter much anyway!
It is rather amazing how our bodies cope with calories. Normal people's intakes balance out with fluctuations in metabolic rates, and most people's weight actually stay pretty constant. I realized that it is actually hard to lose or gain weight! =s It took me 2 weeks of eating so-called sinful food before my weight started increasing, and that was after an initial plunge too!
Dad came and i headed out of the ward with him, happily chatting about the day and generally being the real, chatty and lively myself. What a difference sugars and carbs make! =) Everything seems less gloomy and i am able to walk and chat nonstop!
Dad is really glad that my outlook on food and life has changed for so much the better after the moody me he had to endure over the weekend. Poor dad, mom told me he has been losing weight from stress over me... =( I feel really guilty about it! Hope that my change would also elicit an improvement in his moods as well!
Bought papers from the 7-Eleven downstairs, and had quite a big discovery: I no longer drool over the food there! =) Sure, the chocolate is there, but my eyes wouldn't fixate on it or my mind wouldn't be constantly darting to the stacks of edibles! It was like, whoa, i feel so liberated!
Dad accompanied me as we strolled around the hospital complex talking nonstop. =) I can sense the tension just oozing out of him and draining away. Can't wait to see the rest of the family tomorrow when we go Chinatown together as mom planned!
Eventually returned to the ward at 2200plus, and waved goodbye to dad. Loving him so much! =)
Browsed the papers until the Prozac started taking effect and i feel the familiar waves of tiredness wash over me. It has been a wonderful night for me, full of self-discovery and reconnection with my dad. =) So totally magical!
Drifting off to sleep with a smile on my face...
The ward feels stifling most of the time, but i guess it also kinds of offer a crazy sort of protection to me from anorexia. In here, i surrender all control of my food and caloric intake. I hate it, resent it, for not being able to decide and control what i eat. I know how much food i need now, and am ready to face the outside world, exercise, study, everything, and still enjoy my food.
Crazy aunties walking up and down the corridor outside singing. =s Hello, it is barely 0700 in the morning and you are driving everyone nuts! =s We need a Simon Cowell here to issue them a cease and desist!
At the least, my parents would be able to bring me out today. I sure hope that i would be able to leave during the day instead of suffering through supervised lunch and the boring afternoons which usually tend to be the times when i get really depressed!
JC Gal's not around, she's back at school to try it out again today. Hope today would be fun for her! =) It may be harder for us since we need to try to deal with the stress of eating at the canteen! =s It is so horrible! Everybody else lover recess and lunch, and here we are, dreading it!
Breakfast 0810-0855
1 bowl oats
1 cup Marigold lowfat milk
1 eggwhite
1 slice wholemeal bread
1 pack guava juice
Aww, couldn't get the pancakes i wanted, had to settle for the normal oats again. =( Haha, anyway, starting to get a little bored of it, maybe pick something different tomorrow, or throw the sushi/sashimi soya sauce in the oats next time! Today was also different, finally having the bread instead of leaving it, heh, happily dipping it in everything like juice and milk. Love the great guava juice!
Saw Dr Lee halfway through breakfast. Kinda talked about last few days. Hmm, why are all the doctors asking me if i water-loaded during my last weigh in?? =s Weird. Don't tell me that the gain of 1.4kg was extreme!! Eek!! I don't want to suffer from crazy weight gaining!
1020
1 packet Ensure Plus (vanilla)
Spent the morning literally lazing around watching the Golden Globe Awards show, reading the Unofficial Guide to Walt Disney World and not doing much.
The occupational therapist came looking for me around 1100 and it became a 1-to-1 session since JC Gal is not around today.
The session was mainly about dealing with the weekend home leave, like coming up with a plan to spend it fruitfully and everything. =) But i have already decided to do it as a normal weekend, just enjoying all the usual things i do and squeezing in a bit of shopping for clothes for the Chinese New Year!
Occupational therapist also in charge of supervised lunch today. =/ She is quite nice, but i always resent having to eat under a person's watchful eye. Sigh...
Lunch 1225-1300
1 serving lamb casserole with mixed vegetables
2 scoops mashed potato
1 serving stirfried cabbage
1 bowl minestrone (carrot, tomato, alphabet pasta)
1 1/2 orange
The first time i tried lamb, and gosh, it is good! =) It has this unique flavor! The soup was nice today too, lots of stuff in it and not too oily.
We spent the session chatting more than usual about fruits, or rather, freezing them! =p Intense Gal had been experimenting with freezing all the fruits in the freezer before eating them. I tried banana yesterday, and it turned out great!
To do a nice frozen banana, find one that's kinda bruised or so ripe it is starting to go black, peel it, stick it in the freezer on a plate, and wait for maybe 1/2 to 2 hours if you like it soft or longer if you want it hard. Dig in with a spoon or suck it after that! =) Trust me, it tastes like icecream, with this milky taste in it too!
Intense Gal said berries freeze well too, and papaya also. Watermelon turns out to be flavored ice (icky), apples tough to bite, and just do not agree with oranges. =) Ok, i think i would experiment with my fruits too, considering that i have an extra serving of it at lunch everyday!
Locked away quite a bit of fruit trivia from that session! =) Like, don't drink water after eating pineapples, it will react with the acid in the pineapple's juice and give you a nasty bite on your tongue. =s
Dragged out to be a long boring afternoon with nothing much to do... *Yawn*
Hey, Roomie is so lucky! =) The doctors have now decided that it is safe for him to head downstairs by himself. Roomie told me that he is so seriously tempted to go further than that, but sigh, no change of clothes nor wallet, so can't do much until his mom brings them along. =/
Mom was telling me to maybe visit the hospital's library over here to find books on nutrition to pore over. Hmm, it closes at 1800, and i can't go down without being accompanied by my parents. Ugh...
Ooh, there's a new girl who arrived today! =/ Seems awfully skinny and not happy to be here too. Sigh, even though she is ambulatory, the nurse insisted the poor dear to sit on a wheelchair. Well, she is really, really thin though, maybe they are worried she will faint on them or something!
I wonder if this stay will become any simpler for me... =/ I'm really dreading the meals because i'm so guilty about them, yet logically, i should be happy that i am ingesting the correct calories! =s It is just so hard sometimes to switch the accusing voice in your head off. I so want to give up and not eat! It is so scary knowing that i am breaking the 'caloric limit' of an average guy my age since i'm like taking in 3000plus cal a day!
Kinda passed out on my bed out of sheer boredom at 1530... =s So bored that can fall asleep! Jerked awake round 1600 by the sharp peals of lightning and thunder from outside... Woo, i think that the sky is preparing to pour! =/ The thunder is really, really scary and loud, like the lightning is striking just outside the window or something!!
1610-1640
1 packet Novasource
1 sandwich fillings (tomato, cucumber, lettuce, some butter)
Vastly reduced my dilution of the Novasource, used much less water now, whew... =/ So as to try to reduce the amount of uncomfortable stomach bloat... Eek, feeling a little peckish after that, attacked my tea snack of vegetable sandwich. =/ Ok, maybe i need more water after all, to prevent myself from going on a binge!
Chatting with Intense Gal as we sipped our supplements. She was reminiscing about school life and how she did not experience a mixed-gender school until JC... =/ Poor her! Just some idle chat while we chugged the sweet stuff down.
Discovered that JC Gal has been kinda discharged and now coming back during dinner or as much of the day as she can manage after school. Ooh i am wondering how i am going to survive ACJC again too!
Dinner 1810-1855
4 chunks chicken stewed in wine and oil with woodear
1 serving stirfried longbeans
1 plate rice
some wintermelon soup
1 peach crumble
The chicken (it's named Shaoxing Drunken Chicken) was marvelous! =) I was totally plucking away at the meat with my fork. Same goes for the excellent crumble which was absolutely heavenly... Mm... =) JC Gal agreed too when she started on her's!
Was chatting with the girl who just arrived. Hmm, she does not seem like she will be discharged quickly though, judging by her pickiness about food and being vocal about it. =s She (ok, let's call her Inquisitive Gal) insists on not having lunch etc. =( Should keep her opinions to herself or else Dr Lee will never discharge her!
JC Gal was also rather bleak on her prediction about Inquisitive Gal's discharge. Both of us were exchanging looks over dinner as Inquisitive Gal chatted on and about how she would like things here. Personally, i am wondering if fireworks will fly at supervised lunch tomorrow if she insists on not eating! =s Can't imagine the taciturn dietician (the other one, not the one in charge of me) would react if she refuses to eat!
Went back to the activity room as Inquisitive Gal is choosing her menu for tomorrow. =/ *stares wistfully* It so reminds me of my first day here when i am all dazed, hurt and confused, and staring at the exact same Tuesday dinner (deepfried sweet and sour pork).
*Shakes myself out of revelry* Now chatting with her dad. He seems really unsure about the disease and feels that it is just a matter of eating more. =( It is not that we don't want to eat, actually. I think it is more like, the Voice refuses to let us eat! And if we eat, we would have to pay for it in some way, like exercise for me.
I think that having Inquisitive Gal here today really shook my world up. =/ *sheepish look* Actually, i was planning to not finish my rice, but talking to her put everything into perspective again for me. I am here to get better and to gain weight back into a healthy range. It was a really good reminder of what i really am here for, because i am starting to lose sight of the end point and sink into depression again...
I'm not very sure why, but with the influx of carbohydrates at dinner (the rice and the crumble), i'm feeling infinitely more energetic and on a sort of high, like bouncing round and everything. Hmm, maybe the strategy to feel comfortable with dinner without so much of bloat would be to drag it out and enjoy it while talking?
Stood beside Intense Gal in the corridor as she worked on her art and we started chatting about the eating disorder we share. =) I'm quite happy to see that i have come quite a long way from the old me. =) One odd thing that struck me was how crazy i was when my weight was really low. Somehow, the lower our weights go, the more anorexic our thinking is! Like obsessing over that little zero point something of fat that is not going to matter much anyway!
It is rather amazing how our bodies cope with calories. Normal people's intakes balance out with fluctuations in metabolic rates, and most people's weight actually stay pretty constant. I realized that it is actually hard to lose or gain weight! =s It took me 2 weeks of eating so-called sinful food before my weight started increasing, and that was after an initial plunge too!
Dad came and i headed out of the ward with him, happily chatting about the day and generally being the real, chatty and lively myself. What a difference sugars and carbs make! =) Everything seems less gloomy and i am able to walk and chat nonstop!
Dad is really glad that my outlook on food and life has changed for so much the better after the moody me he had to endure over the weekend. Poor dad, mom told me he has been losing weight from stress over me... =( I feel really guilty about it! Hope that my change would also elicit an improvement in his moods as well!
Bought papers from the 7-Eleven downstairs, and had quite a big discovery: I no longer drool over the food there! =) Sure, the chocolate is there, but my eyes wouldn't fixate on it or my mind wouldn't be constantly darting to the stacks of edibles! It was like, whoa, i feel so liberated!
Dad accompanied me as we strolled around the hospital complex talking nonstop. =) I can sense the tension just oozing out of him and draining away. Can't wait to see the rest of the family tomorrow when we go Chinatown together as mom planned!
Eventually returned to the ward at 2200plus, and waved goodbye to dad. Loving him so much! =)
Browsed the papers until the Prozac started taking effect and i feel the familiar waves of tiredness wash over me. It has been a wonderful night for me, full of self-discovery and reconnection with my dad. =) So totally magical!
Drifting off to sleep with a smile on my face...
posted by Ryanryan at
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
|
3 comments
Monday, January 16
Ok, woke up still feeling totally fat, unlike my usual mornings when i wake up feeling hungry and expectant about the day...
I guess the simmering hate towards my parents still boils within me...
The dreaded Weigh In is here, and anytime, the nurse would call me to the scales, and the fateful numbers would appear.
I feel that this time, whichever way the scales tip, it would be a blow to me. Down, and i would feel even more miserable at being unable to go home. Up, and it would confirm my suspicions that the bulge around my stomach is growing and i am getting fatter and fatter. I just feel like i am piling the kilos on around my waist and it feels so gross!
Okie, weird, i'm at 46.6kg, yeah, piled on 1.4kg, and i am feeling positively fat!! =( Can say that i am disgusted at myself for gaining the weight, yet feeling happy at thought of seeing home.
I have given up fighting the thoughts of fatness off. It is not a disorder or disease or whatever. It is ME. I am the one making the choice to stay thin, and hell, it is my body and it is in my power to do what i want with it. Sure, i want to gain mass and weight, but not by eating things i don't want to eat, or by having my meal choices restricted. If i can't get what i order, fine, i am not eating.
Breakfast 0835-0900
1 bowl oats
1 eggwhite
1 cup Marigold lowfat milk
Feeling so down and everything, so just picked at my favourite bits of the standard breakfast. Love my oats with milk now. =/ But gimme breakfast cereals any day, damn it!
Had a group review session with the other patients with eating disorders as well as the different doctors in charge. Was just downright miserable for me since i just want to be out of hospital, and am not giving any damn about my progress or whatever, grr...
Most of the session just went over my head, and i was just nodding blankly and blankly as the doctors blathered on. =/ I mean, come on, i just had a percentage gain of body weight of like 3%, most of it which is pure fats, and you are not happy yet? I have so many slabs of butter hanging off my waist now! =(
JC Gal gained weight too, and feels confident enough to try out school again tomorrow. Wishing her luck! =)
Poor Intense Gal! =/ My heart really went out to her when knew that her weight dropped. In the hospital, she is really disciplined about her meals and supplements, finishing all of them, but in the weekend back at home, she slipped up and such... =( Poor her!
Auntie SiewLay came to visit right after my group review session, and brought the papers for today! =) Thanks!
We headed into the lounge to chat, and talked about everything from like education now to Bud's joining of the army. Whew, like had everything to chat about! =) And almost nonstop too! Was totally like amazing, the amount of energy i ever had to talk!
1030
1 packet Ensure Plus (raspberry)
Ugh, halfway through, the nurse insisted on me drinking the Ensure. Prefer enjoying it, savoring its sweet taste instead of throwing it back, but no time today. Oh well, down the hatch you go! =s *bleach* Yucks, too sweet!
Bud seems to be doing pretty well at the army, and he is selected to go into the commando unit! =) Congrats! At first, he wondered about opting out, but after realizing it is a once-in-lifetime opportunity, stayed in. Wow, i wonder if it would be really tough, really fun, or both! =)
Ugh, time for supervised lunch, said goodbye to Auntie SiewLay and walked mournfully to the Interview Room.
Lunch 1215-1250
1 bowl soup (beancurd, cabbage, tomato)
1 plate chicken rice
few large pieces roast chicken
some pickled cucumber
1 serving stirfried vegetable
1 large banana
It has been such a long time since i ate chicken rice and man, it is nice! =) Chicken was perfect and still a little pink, but with this nice flavor marinated in. =/ Was poking the skin away secretively, heh. The rice is like Malay style so it was different in taste from the Chinese one. High fats though, sigh, a little regret never take my time enjoying it, gee...
Supervised lunch was more relaxed today with the psychologist, Ms Boon. It was quite a conversation-filled session and not much nagging to finish stuff. =/ Just felt my resolve to not eat melt away as the whole session flew past. I think i want to get out, and with just the correct weight.
The session was really interesting, with Ms Boon sharing that actually, the effects of starvation on guys are not that well-researched at the moment. Haha, must be that there is very few guy anorexics! =/ Anyway, the male body apparently takes weight loss much harder than the female body. The females have like no menses, osteoporosis and such. Guys wouldn't have those (like stopping menses, duh!) but show like signs of psychosis, cravings for strange tastes (like extreme sourness etc) and so on! =s
Okie, scared! But interested nontheless! =) Ms Boon said that there was a study done on it, and promised to show it to me sometime!
Quite funny to discover that the patient who loves to turn the aircon real cold also has an obsession with soap bubbles and throws 'foam parties' when she goes mad and make tons and tons of soap bubbles! =/ Intense Gal mentions that that is why the cleaners gave up putting the liquid soap in the lounge since she would finish all of it in a day!!
Afternoon was boring, and i am stuck just hanging around and wondering about which food i should order. Quite a hard choice sometimes... Argh, should i do steamed fish again, or go for lamb casserole this time?
Ok, went with lamb to challenge myself. =) And since i am here, might as well just try something new too!
Ooh, Old Man is checking out today! =) So lucky! He is really pleased to get out and be free once more, but that would mean that his singing sessions with the aunties would be over!
Roomie transferred back in to the room too, and explained that the doctors were worried that he had tubercolosis so isolated him for observation before the tests showed that it was just an infection. So terrible! =( It took them so long to discover the tubercolosis since check in! If he really had tubercolosis, he would have died before they told him they need to keep him under observation!!
Reminds me of grandpa. =( He had lung infection and it was not considered an extremely high risk admission to the hospital. But after some routine surgery, apparently some junior doctor in charge of him bungled up and the surgery area became infected, and grandpa died. Literally at the hands of the hospital. =s
Roomie also shared that he knew the person whose wife died in hospital after some GP prescribed to her antibiotics which have very severe side effects when consumed together. =s So terrible! Imagine putting our lives into the hands of doctors who are not able to do a good job curing us, and instead, killing us!
The dietician came to have a chat with me too, and asked if i am comfortable with my increased weight. Well... obviously not with the thought that i am getting fatter! But oh well, what is gained is gained. =( Also kinda confirmed that a Novasource is approximately 2 Ensures! Eek, so that means i REALLY am getting close to a thousand calories daily from the supplements!!
Very, very shocked... But thank god, don't need to rely on them forever, the dietician says that maybe just a week or so more and i would start to be weaned off them. Whew!
1600
1 packet Novasource
Had a wonderful looking cheesecake arriving together with the Novasource, but after that sweet concoction, had absolutely no space at all for the cake, so left it aside first. =/ Could i possibly swap my supplements with my snack??
The social worker came and had a long talk with me about my struggles to want to return home and about my depression here. Also handed up my 'homework' of how i think my parents and my siblings view me.
After that, mom, who arrived earlier with YueXi while i was inside the interview room with the social worker, headed in while i hung around my room and chatted abit with YueXi, who is busy doing her homework. =/ She also just encouraged me to just fight on and keep going after my weight gain, or else it would all be wasted...
I was summoned back in, and mom looks like she had been crying... =( I feel really bad about making her cry, and just wanted to give her the biggest hug i can manage!
Eventually found out that she was really afraid of losing me if i dropped dead from starvation. According to the social worker, anorexics can die of a heart attack after the heart just can't take the strain of pumping anymore! =s Okie, and i always thought i would just get weaker and weaker and wither away and just die if i didn't eat...
The weekend leave that i am now allowed to go would let me try out homelife again to try to adapt to the world again after recovering in the hospital.
The talking ended round 1900 and the nurse started nagging me about dinner. I can't stomach the cake and sis and mom had it instead. =) Wanted to cheer mom up too! They said the cake was fab!
Hugged mom as she headed out of the ward. Just love her so much, and can see the resolve in her to want to break the disease. I know that it is really painful for her to see me shrivel slowly up from not eating... But i just want to leave! Can't you just grant me my simple wish?
Waved goodbye to them forlornly, and time for dinner... Sigh...
Dinner 1905-1940
2 large pc steamed pork in fermented black bean sauce
1 serving stirfried mao gua, carrots and woodear
1/4 serving rice
spinach and pork rib in oily soup
1 large banana
1 soyabean jelly with longan in syrup
The pork was quite ok, but the sauce was the hit of dinner! =) It was so delicious i was lapping it up!
The jelly was a hit too, with fresh fruits and custard-soft pudding just sliding down my throat... Absolutely fantastic, made even more so by the hot weather passing through now!
Feeling better with nice food in my tummy and with the nice dessert! =) Walking round in bliss... Oops, forgot, supposed to be resting to conserve energy! =(
Sometimes i am just wondering how do the dieticians manage to eat at mealtimes with all the caloric and fat knowledge drifting around in their head! =( Ok, for me, if i knew the content of everything, i sure would end up eating my old diet!
Intense Gal says that she ever asked one of the dieticians, and she said that she switches off her brain when eating just so as to enjoy the food. Hmm, kinda like me now la! =) No choice what, must eat, so eat lor...
Lying in bed and kinda thinking about life immediately after discharge... =( I just can't imagine having to give up my salads and everything, and have this scary image in my head of standing at a Hans counter and this hooded figure insisting that i must order something off the menu to eat, and the menu consists entirely of deepfried stuff like fish and chips etc! =( Honestly, i have been jerked awake by this nightmare a few times!
Mom and dad both called at night to chat. Sigh, just missing home badly. Nothing beats home! Mom even said that i do not need to totally swear off salads, vegetable soup etc, it is just a matter of having rice in addition to them to make them complete meals! =) That really made my day! I am so afraid of changing so radically till i can't even eat healthy things and have to eat fattening stuff all day long!
Yay, dad will be bringing some satchets of Equal along tomorrow. I'm running low on it, occasionally adding it to oats to make it sweeter, but saving it up since it's so precious and i only have a few packets of it! =s
Hitting the sack now, hoping that tomorrow brings a better day! =) And hopefully, an afternoon trip back home!
I guess the simmering hate towards my parents still boils within me...
The dreaded Weigh In is here, and anytime, the nurse would call me to the scales, and the fateful numbers would appear.
I feel that this time, whichever way the scales tip, it would be a blow to me. Down, and i would feel even more miserable at being unable to go home. Up, and it would confirm my suspicions that the bulge around my stomach is growing and i am getting fatter and fatter. I just feel like i am piling the kilos on around my waist and it feels so gross!
Okie, weird, i'm at 46.6kg, yeah, piled on 1.4kg, and i am feeling positively fat!! =( Can say that i am disgusted at myself for gaining the weight, yet feeling happy at thought of seeing home.
I have given up fighting the thoughts of fatness off. It is not a disorder or disease or whatever. It is ME. I am the one making the choice to stay thin, and hell, it is my body and it is in my power to do what i want with it. Sure, i want to gain mass and weight, but not by eating things i don't want to eat, or by having my meal choices restricted. If i can't get what i order, fine, i am not eating.
Breakfast 0835-0900
1 bowl oats
1 eggwhite
1 cup Marigold lowfat milk
Feeling so down and everything, so just picked at my favourite bits of the standard breakfast. Love my oats with milk now. =/ But gimme breakfast cereals any day, damn it!
Had a group review session with the other patients with eating disorders as well as the different doctors in charge. Was just downright miserable for me since i just want to be out of hospital, and am not giving any damn about my progress or whatever, grr...
Most of the session just went over my head, and i was just nodding blankly and blankly as the doctors blathered on. =/ I mean, come on, i just had a percentage gain of body weight of like 3%, most of it which is pure fats, and you are not happy yet? I have so many slabs of butter hanging off my waist now! =(
JC Gal gained weight too, and feels confident enough to try out school again tomorrow. Wishing her luck! =)
Poor Intense Gal! =/ My heart really went out to her when knew that her weight dropped. In the hospital, she is really disciplined about her meals and supplements, finishing all of them, but in the weekend back at home, she slipped up and such... =( Poor her!
Auntie SiewLay came to visit right after my group review session, and brought the papers for today! =) Thanks!
We headed into the lounge to chat, and talked about everything from like education now to Bud's joining of the army. Whew, like had everything to chat about! =) And almost nonstop too! Was totally like amazing, the amount of energy i ever had to talk!
1030
1 packet Ensure Plus (raspberry)
Ugh, halfway through, the nurse insisted on me drinking the Ensure. Prefer enjoying it, savoring its sweet taste instead of throwing it back, but no time today. Oh well, down the hatch you go! =s *bleach* Yucks, too sweet!
Bud seems to be doing pretty well at the army, and he is selected to go into the commando unit! =) Congrats! At first, he wondered about opting out, but after realizing it is a once-in-lifetime opportunity, stayed in. Wow, i wonder if it would be really tough, really fun, or both! =)
Ugh, time for supervised lunch, said goodbye to Auntie SiewLay and walked mournfully to the Interview Room.
Lunch 1215-1250
1 bowl soup (beancurd, cabbage, tomato)
1 plate chicken rice
few large pieces roast chicken
some pickled cucumber
1 serving stirfried vegetable
1 large banana
It has been such a long time since i ate chicken rice and man, it is nice! =) Chicken was perfect and still a little pink, but with this nice flavor marinated in. =/ Was poking the skin away secretively, heh. The rice is like Malay style so it was different in taste from the Chinese one. High fats though, sigh, a little regret never take my time enjoying it, gee...
Supervised lunch was more relaxed today with the psychologist, Ms Boon. It was quite a conversation-filled session and not much nagging to finish stuff. =/ Just felt my resolve to not eat melt away as the whole session flew past. I think i want to get out, and with just the correct weight.
The session was really interesting, with Ms Boon sharing that actually, the effects of starvation on guys are not that well-researched at the moment. Haha, must be that there is very few guy anorexics! =/ Anyway, the male body apparently takes weight loss much harder than the female body. The females have like no menses, osteoporosis and such. Guys wouldn't have those (like stopping menses, duh!) but show like signs of psychosis, cravings for strange tastes (like extreme sourness etc) and so on! =s
Okie, scared! But interested nontheless! =) Ms Boon said that there was a study done on it, and promised to show it to me sometime!
Quite funny to discover that the patient who loves to turn the aircon real cold also has an obsession with soap bubbles and throws 'foam parties' when she goes mad and make tons and tons of soap bubbles! =/ Intense Gal mentions that that is why the cleaners gave up putting the liquid soap in the lounge since she would finish all of it in a day!!
Afternoon was boring, and i am stuck just hanging around and wondering about which food i should order. Quite a hard choice sometimes... Argh, should i do steamed fish again, or go for lamb casserole this time?
Ok, went with lamb to challenge myself. =) And since i am here, might as well just try something new too!
Ooh, Old Man is checking out today! =) So lucky! He is really pleased to get out and be free once more, but that would mean that his singing sessions with the aunties would be over!
Roomie transferred back in to the room too, and explained that the doctors were worried that he had tubercolosis so isolated him for observation before the tests showed that it was just an infection. So terrible! =( It took them so long to discover the tubercolosis since check in! If he really had tubercolosis, he would have died before they told him they need to keep him under observation!!
Reminds me of grandpa. =( He had lung infection and it was not considered an extremely high risk admission to the hospital. But after some routine surgery, apparently some junior doctor in charge of him bungled up and the surgery area became infected, and grandpa died. Literally at the hands of the hospital. =s
Roomie also shared that he knew the person whose wife died in hospital after some GP prescribed to her antibiotics which have very severe side effects when consumed together. =s So terrible! Imagine putting our lives into the hands of doctors who are not able to do a good job curing us, and instead, killing us!
The dietician came to have a chat with me too, and asked if i am comfortable with my increased weight. Well... obviously not with the thought that i am getting fatter! But oh well, what is gained is gained. =( Also kinda confirmed that a Novasource is approximately 2 Ensures! Eek, so that means i REALLY am getting close to a thousand calories daily from the supplements!!
Very, very shocked... But thank god, don't need to rely on them forever, the dietician says that maybe just a week or so more and i would start to be weaned off them. Whew!
1600
1 packet Novasource
Had a wonderful looking cheesecake arriving together with the Novasource, but after that sweet concoction, had absolutely no space at all for the cake, so left it aside first. =/ Could i possibly swap my supplements with my snack??
The social worker came and had a long talk with me about my struggles to want to return home and about my depression here. Also handed up my 'homework' of how i think my parents and my siblings view me.
After that, mom, who arrived earlier with YueXi while i was inside the interview room with the social worker, headed in while i hung around my room and chatted abit with YueXi, who is busy doing her homework. =/ She also just encouraged me to just fight on and keep going after my weight gain, or else it would all be wasted...
I was summoned back in, and mom looks like she had been crying... =( I feel really bad about making her cry, and just wanted to give her the biggest hug i can manage!
Eventually found out that she was really afraid of losing me if i dropped dead from starvation. According to the social worker, anorexics can die of a heart attack after the heart just can't take the strain of pumping anymore! =s Okie, and i always thought i would just get weaker and weaker and wither away and just die if i didn't eat...
The weekend leave that i am now allowed to go would let me try out homelife again to try to adapt to the world again after recovering in the hospital.
The talking ended round 1900 and the nurse started nagging me about dinner. I can't stomach the cake and sis and mom had it instead. =) Wanted to cheer mom up too! They said the cake was fab!
Hugged mom as she headed out of the ward. Just love her so much, and can see the resolve in her to want to break the disease. I know that it is really painful for her to see me shrivel slowly up from not eating... But i just want to leave! Can't you just grant me my simple wish?
Waved goodbye to them forlornly, and time for dinner... Sigh...
Dinner 1905-1940
2 large pc steamed pork in fermented black bean sauce
1 serving stirfried mao gua, carrots and woodear
1/4 serving rice
spinach and pork rib in oily soup
1 large banana
1 soyabean jelly with longan in syrup
The pork was quite ok, but the sauce was the hit of dinner! =) It was so delicious i was lapping it up!
The jelly was a hit too, with fresh fruits and custard-soft pudding just sliding down my throat... Absolutely fantastic, made even more so by the hot weather passing through now!
Feeling better with nice food in my tummy and with the nice dessert! =) Walking round in bliss... Oops, forgot, supposed to be resting to conserve energy! =(
Sometimes i am just wondering how do the dieticians manage to eat at mealtimes with all the caloric and fat knowledge drifting around in their head! =( Ok, for me, if i knew the content of everything, i sure would end up eating my old diet!
Intense Gal says that she ever asked one of the dieticians, and she said that she switches off her brain when eating just so as to enjoy the food. Hmm, kinda like me now la! =) No choice what, must eat, so eat lor...
Lying in bed and kinda thinking about life immediately after discharge... =( I just can't imagine having to give up my salads and everything, and have this scary image in my head of standing at a Hans counter and this hooded figure insisting that i must order something off the menu to eat, and the menu consists entirely of deepfried stuff like fish and chips etc! =( Honestly, i have been jerked awake by this nightmare a few times!
Mom and dad both called at night to chat. Sigh, just missing home badly. Nothing beats home! Mom even said that i do not need to totally swear off salads, vegetable soup etc, it is just a matter of having rice in addition to them to make them complete meals! =) That really made my day! I am so afraid of changing so radically till i can't even eat healthy things and have to eat fattening stuff all day long!
Yay, dad will be bringing some satchets of Equal along tomorrow. I'm running low on it, occasionally adding it to oats to make it sweeter, but saving it up since it's so precious and i only have a few packets of it! =s
Hitting the sack now, hoping that tomorrow brings a better day! =) And hopefully, an afternoon trip back home!
posted by Ryanryan at
Monday, January 16, 2006
|
0 comments
Sunday, January 15
After the crazy night, had a night of restless sleep... I am just so anxious to get out of here! When will any psychiatrist arrive??
I am just hopping up and down now, too jumpy to sit and wait. Come on, come on, where the heck are you. I want to get out! Dad's call just made me all the more jumpy and antsy. I need to go!
Dr Lee finally came and we had a private talk. If i want to leave, it would be considered discharge against medical advice, and that would require my parents to sign a form stating that they understand the risks and everything. =/ To me, it is kinda like empty babble... I just want to leave, by hook or by crook...
Called dad after that and he would like to speak to Dr Lee. After pacing around and everything, the nurse pushed me to breakfast and told the doctors on duty to call my parents to explain the entire situation.
Breakfast 0830-0850
1 basket chee chiong fun with sweet black sauce and sesame seeds
1 cup Marigold lowfat milk
That basket was deceptively deep and filled with like 2 layers of the heavenly steamed flour cakes! =) Lipsmacking, made all the more marvelous by the sweet sauce... Mm...
During breakfast, Old Man and the aunties were singing oldies (songs, i mean) and it is really scary. =s Imagine old hags trying to imitate Teresa Teng to get an idea of what i mean!
After the breakfast, now just waiting for the doctors to speak to my parents quick. I don't care what waivers or whatever that i would have to sign, anything just to go out now!
*calms down* Ok, basically, here is the deal. All the doctors do not want to release me because of my 'dangerously' low weight. But if i insist on being discharged, no doctor can stop me from acting. As i am a minor (younger than 21), i would need my parents to sign this form which states that they are aware of the risks etc. Basically, to relieve the hospital of its responsibility over me.
After suffering for so long, i decided that i have reached the end of my tether. The straw that breaks the camel's back has fallen on me. I don't care how close i am to the finish line, and i am just going to stop, lie down and not fight anymore.
Ok, it is too late, by the time the guy psychiatrist spoke to my parents, it is time for church, and they will come by only after that... =( I'm so depressed, i spent most of the morning just wallowing in misery and staring outta the windows, wishing that the horrible day would quickly end, preferably with a happy ending...
1030
1 packet Ensure Plus (raspberry)
Sipping my Ensure in nice, guai boy mode. =/ I just wish that i can chuck it into the sink, but i need to keep my report clean to have a chance in hell of getting out.
Mom said that the family would be joining me for lunch after church. Am sure looking forward to going out!
I keep feeling round my tummy, and i am positive that it has inflated with all the calories! =( I thought i would be maybe gaining lean muscle or something, but no, it is all becoming fats!! Noo...
Delaying my lunch to eat together with them. =/ Sure hoping that i can secure my release! =/ Dad didn't seem to keen on allowing me out... I mean, keeping me here would make me all the more depressed!
Lunch 1325-1355
1 pc baked fish fillet with vegetable salsa
3/4 scoop mashed potatoes
1 serving buttered peas
1 bowl cream of carrot
12 small slices honeydew
The peas were really nice, but on closer inspection, i discovered oil splotches, suggesting buttered peas! Eek! =s But it seems like, for the first time, i am tucking into something with less oil than all my previous meals. Even the soup did not have patches of oil surfacing on it.
In show of defiance, left the stupid potatoes behind. They were not nice, are carbs and just suck. =) And leaving them behind to push my parent's buttons too!
One of the patients here loves to set the aircon in the activity room to full blast, and the room just turns into a veritable Snow City! =s Can't stand her, no one but she can tahan the room when she is there!
My parents were adamant on me staying. Issuing ultimatum did not help. Grandma was here also, and just kept nagging, so i tuned her out. I don't want to stay here! Just let me go!
I was seething after their departure. It is so nasty of them! But considering my new options, i decided, what the heck, let's just see what the weight is! If i gain, good, i would choose discharge IMMEDIATELY. If drop, ok, i give up, start with the ultimatum.
1600
1 packet Novasource
I just threw back that sickly-sweet concoction while filling out my menu for tomorrow. =/ I seem to be obsessing over food the entire of today!
Alternating sobbing and staring blankly out of the windows. =( I am just a hated object in the family. I am dumped here in hospital just so that they would not need to cook something special for me at dinners. They want to solve the screaming-match epidemic at home, and decided since i am the cause of most of them, just abandoned me here...
Fell asleep by my bedside, until the nurse shook me awake for my dinner. Totally not hungry at 1800 when she asked me before that, so i had it one hour later.
Roomie came back and whoa, transferred room to the A1 room by himself! =) So cool man! Hehe, i am envious. Can fart or burp or everything in there without disturbing anybody!
Dinner 1910-1935
1 serving stirfried longbeans and carrots
1 enormous pie (chicken, mixed vegetables, potato)
some cream of longbeans
1 green bean chendol
I didn't really want to finish the pie at first, but after tucking in, i decided, what the heck, just do it. I want to satisfy my cravings for stuffing my face full...
And man, the chendol was heavenly! The soft, chewy green bean pudding in the syrup was just so... marvelous. Vented all my emotions on just devouring the food. I know i am blowing my internal restraints and i don't give it a damn. I am too tired to care.
After some mucking around, i got around to showering, and by looking at my tummy and my butt, i feel so fat! =( I'm sure the fats of these 2 weeks are just piling up around my waist! Can't i just have lean cuisine like at home, with my calorie needs being met without having to touch so much fats??
I feel like a pig. The whole of today, i have been eating, eating and eating. Just supplements alone would have plopped an extra 900 or so calories onto me already... It is so gross thinking about it! =( Never am i going to eat like this anymore!
Mom and dad came after 2100 and it was a cold and strange experience. I am so hurt and wounded by them deep inside. While mom was flipping through the papers, i was hiding in a corner of the ward, just staring blankly into space. Barely said anything to them while they were here.
They left pretty soon too, and i did not bother to wish them goodbye. It is so painful, being betrayed by your own parents! The knife is driven deep into my back and being twisted round and round cruelly... I don't ever want to see them again!
I can say that for the most of today, it was a day of blank staring at walls. My worst Sunday, ever.
I am just hopping up and down now, too jumpy to sit and wait. Come on, come on, where the heck are you. I want to get out! Dad's call just made me all the more jumpy and antsy. I need to go!
Dr Lee finally came and we had a private talk. If i want to leave, it would be considered discharge against medical advice, and that would require my parents to sign a form stating that they understand the risks and everything. =/ To me, it is kinda like empty babble... I just want to leave, by hook or by crook...
Called dad after that and he would like to speak to Dr Lee. After pacing around and everything, the nurse pushed me to breakfast and told the doctors on duty to call my parents to explain the entire situation.
Breakfast 0830-0850
1 basket chee chiong fun with sweet black sauce and sesame seeds
1 cup Marigold lowfat milk
That basket was deceptively deep and filled with like 2 layers of the heavenly steamed flour cakes! =) Lipsmacking, made all the more marvelous by the sweet sauce... Mm...
During breakfast, Old Man and the aunties were singing oldies (songs, i mean) and it is really scary. =s Imagine old hags trying to imitate Teresa Teng to get an idea of what i mean!
After the breakfast, now just waiting for the doctors to speak to my parents quick. I don't care what waivers or whatever that i would have to sign, anything just to go out now!
*calms down* Ok, basically, here is the deal. All the doctors do not want to release me because of my 'dangerously' low weight. But if i insist on being discharged, no doctor can stop me from acting. As i am a minor (younger than 21), i would need my parents to sign this form which states that they are aware of the risks etc. Basically, to relieve the hospital of its responsibility over me.
After suffering for so long, i decided that i have reached the end of my tether. The straw that breaks the camel's back has fallen on me. I don't care how close i am to the finish line, and i am just going to stop, lie down and not fight anymore.
Ok, it is too late, by the time the guy psychiatrist spoke to my parents, it is time for church, and they will come by only after that... =( I'm so depressed, i spent most of the morning just wallowing in misery and staring outta the windows, wishing that the horrible day would quickly end, preferably with a happy ending...
1030
1 packet Ensure Plus (raspberry)
Sipping my Ensure in nice, guai boy mode. =/ I just wish that i can chuck it into the sink, but i need to keep my report clean to have a chance in hell of getting out.
Mom said that the family would be joining me for lunch after church. Am sure looking forward to going out!
I keep feeling round my tummy, and i am positive that it has inflated with all the calories! =( I thought i would be maybe gaining lean muscle or something, but no, it is all becoming fats!! Noo...
Delaying my lunch to eat together with them. =/ Sure hoping that i can secure my release! =/ Dad didn't seem to keen on allowing me out... I mean, keeping me here would make me all the more depressed!
Lunch 1325-1355
1 pc baked fish fillet with vegetable salsa
3/4 scoop mashed potatoes
1 serving buttered peas
1 bowl cream of carrot
12 small slices honeydew
The peas were really nice, but on closer inspection, i discovered oil splotches, suggesting buttered peas! Eek! =s But it seems like, for the first time, i am tucking into something with less oil than all my previous meals. Even the soup did not have patches of oil surfacing on it.
In show of defiance, left the stupid potatoes behind. They were not nice, are carbs and just suck. =) And leaving them behind to push my parent's buttons too!
One of the patients here loves to set the aircon in the activity room to full blast, and the room just turns into a veritable Snow City! =s Can't stand her, no one but she can tahan the room when she is there!
My parents were adamant on me staying. Issuing ultimatum did not help. Grandma was here also, and just kept nagging, so i tuned her out. I don't want to stay here! Just let me go!
I was seething after their departure. It is so nasty of them! But considering my new options, i decided, what the heck, let's just see what the weight is! If i gain, good, i would choose discharge IMMEDIATELY. If drop, ok, i give up, start with the ultimatum.
1600
1 packet Novasource
I just threw back that sickly-sweet concoction while filling out my menu for tomorrow. =/ I seem to be obsessing over food the entire of today!
Alternating sobbing and staring blankly out of the windows. =( I am just a hated object in the family. I am dumped here in hospital just so that they would not need to cook something special for me at dinners. They want to solve the screaming-match epidemic at home, and decided since i am the cause of most of them, just abandoned me here...
Fell asleep by my bedside, until the nurse shook me awake for my dinner. Totally not hungry at 1800 when she asked me before that, so i had it one hour later.
Roomie came back and whoa, transferred room to the A1 room by himself! =) So cool man! Hehe, i am envious. Can fart or burp or everything in there without disturbing anybody!
Dinner 1910-1935
1 serving stirfried longbeans and carrots
1 enormous pie (chicken, mixed vegetables, potato)
some cream of longbeans
1 green bean chendol
I didn't really want to finish the pie at first, but after tucking in, i decided, what the heck, just do it. I want to satisfy my cravings for stuffing my face full...
And man, the chendol was heavenly! The soft, chewy green bean pudding in the syrup was just so... marvelous. Vented all my emotions on just devouring the food. I know i am blowing my internal restraints and i don't give it a damn. I am too tired to care.
After some mucking around, i got around to showering, and by looking at my tummy and my butt, i feel so fat! =( I'm sure the fats of these 2 weeks are just piling up around my waist! Can't i just have lean cuisine like at home, with my calorie needs being met without having to touch so much fats??
I feel like a pig. The whole of today, i have been eating, eating and eating. Just supplements alone would have plopped an extra 900 or so calories onto me already... It is so gross thinking about it! =( Never am i going to eat like this anymore!
Mom and dad came after 2100 and it was a cold and strange experience. I am so hurt and wounded by them deep inside. While mom was flipping through the papers, i was hiding in a corner of the ward, just staring blankly into space. Barely said anything to them while they were here.
They left pretty soon too, and i did not bother to wish them goodbye. It is so painful, being betrayed by your own parents! The knife is driven deep into my back and being twisted round and round cruelly... I don't ever want to see them again!
I can say that for the most of today, it was a day of blank staring at walls. My worst Sunday, ever.
posted by Ryanryan at
Sunday, January 15, 2006
|
0 comments
Saturday, January 14
It is my second Saturday here in the hospital now, and the first weekend which i can't leave... =(
I woke up feeling this kind of dull pounding feeling in my head... i want to leave the ward! Please, somebody, just let me out of here! =( Pal Gal's outbreak was perfectly justified; i doubt any sane person will remain the same after a stay in this enclosed prison ward!
Sigh, actually, was like making a plan for this weekend in my head already, to make the caramel cookies (sent the recipe to YueXi the last time) and treat the family to a like non/low-fat version, but i think it would have to be put on hold now...
Breakfast 0820-0900
1 bowl oats
1 cup Marigold lowfat milk
1 eggwhite
1 cup tea
My favourite oats with added milk, mm, just the correct amount of milky sweetness! =p If only there's pancakes... Oh well, on Tuesday i guess!
Gee, actually, having the same neck as if i didn't upgrade. Grr, i could have gotten pancakes! Nah, never mind, i gave my bread away to Chubby Auntie (the kinda greedy one, eek) since there isn't toasters here today and i prefer my bread like 'kaya toast' crispy here.
Weird, the social worker is not here to see me yet. =/ Need to confirm with her about the meeting with my parents. And also kinda waiting for my turn with the psychiatrists, i really want to ask for like home leave if possible!
Watching the Amazing Race rerun, quite bored. Called home for a short chat together with WeiWei, so agonizing to have to spend a Saturday morning not being able to see Auntie Cynthia and my siblings, and spend a nice lazy day on the couch with the latest papers! =(
Aww, Roomie Guy's mom is here and he is checking out now too! =/ *holds back tears* It is painful not being able to go out, and watching everyone else leave... Wishing them all a good time outside! =/ Just quite... sad that i can't go out too... Putting on a brave front and smile to face the day... But it is just... So hard...
1025
1 packet Ensure Plus (chocolate)
Hmm, tough choice for me today, so went with chocolate, don't think i can tahan another vanilla-tasting beverage with more Novasource later. =s
The morning flew by at a pretty fast clip. Absorbed by Powerpuff Girls and some Yu-Gi-Oh cartoons on Kids Central. Oh man, i really need to start getting a life! =( But only the old aunties and uncles are left here and i don't have anybody to chat with!
Saw the guy psychiatrist for just a short while. Sigh, pretty much confirmed that i would not be able to leave, till the Weigh In on Monday shows results...
The social worker came at 1100plus. We talked really, really long about myself, and i was honestly answering even the really personal questions, like doubting if i want to banish this eating problem etc. =/ Also discovered that i have a passive-aggressive personality. I may go along with rules and whatever, but once i'm free of them, hell, i'm going to do exactly the opposite of the rules! =/
Dr Lee also popped in to see me for a short moment, and recommended me to start going on antihistamines, or cough medicines, as they would help calm me down now that i'm all pepped up and full of energy and walking round, doing crunches, standing up etc. =s Eek! So compromised la: I would take when necessary, since i don't want to be feeling drowsy all the time.
The lounge is so empty now! =( All my usual eating partners are away, and i'm left by my lonesome self...
Now that the social worker is seeing my parents some other time, mom would be coming by later in the afternoon instead of now. =/ Oh well, was looking forward to a family meal, but it's ok, i would pig out by myself...
Lunch 1240-1315
1 large chicken drumstick in mustard butter sauce
1 serving stirfried spinach
2 large roast potatoes
1 bowl cream of mushroom
3/4 apple
The sauce was sinful but oh-so-fab! =) Okie, was trying to deskin my chicken carefully to get rid of the oily bits, but kinda hard to, so gave up in the end and just enjoyed the meat, haha.
Old Man loves having the aircon on and running, and i'm getting the major shivers just being in the room! =) Could i pretty please transfer to the A1 room since it is empty? Haha, wonder who will move into there next...
So i'm totally avoiding the room until the aircon is off! =s Brr, i still can't take temperatures which are too frigid!
The ward really is empty now! =( Like just me, Old Man and 2 or 3 old women left! It is sooo depressing! Oh well, Unhinged Woman is still around too, walked past her a few times today but did not trigger any nasty reactions, so it should be pretty safe today i guess!
The afternoon is positively dragging by, and everywhere i look, people are knocking off work and heading home. Even the nurses too... I'm feeling so moody and irritable, not to mention sleepy... =( But sleep just eludes me...
The more i meditate on this, the sadder i feel. Everyone is out there having fun, and they have all but forgotten about me already. =( My family enjoys weekends without me. I'm the hated non-entity who just brings shame on them.
Took a long, hot shower to try to wash the tears away... It is just a momentary numbing of my senses... I'm out here in the room again, trying not to think about my Saturday... It is just not fair! I am good and obedient, and i get punished by staying, while everyone else goes home! The unfairness of it all chafs against me...
Ya know, i have this crazy plan to just run out of the ward when the door slides open. Pack my stuff into my Quicksilver pencilcase and leave all the rubbish i don't need behind, and just run. For freedom. For sanity.
I fear the consequences, but i think that it would be worth it. Anything to get outta here. Somehow, one way or another. I would be biding my time now, waiting door the opportunity...
Mom called me, she is going to church now. My sullen mood just clouded everything and i'm missing home even worse, my heart aching for the comfortable refuge of the sofa or my bed.
1620
1 packet Novasource
As usual, after the Novasource, head spun round and had no space at all in my gut left for the afternoon tea: a banana cupcake. =s Imagine downing 6 cups of liquid in a halfhour, each cup being as sweet as a Starbucks caramel ice-blended! It is enough to make your head explode!
The cupcake looks really appetising though. Hmm... Ok, 'korkor' instincts win. I would give it to YueXi or WeiWei! =) Share the good things in life!
The skies outside are darkening into a deep, ugly shade of coming rainclouds... =( I'm so tired of looking out and wishing for freedom... I want to go now!
I am so tempted to throw a tantrum, to attempt to get my parents to let me out of here. But that will only make them angry and sad, since they are not able to do anything to get me out, with the doctors all at home already. The only way for me to get out is running out when the chance presents itself. =/ I'm steeling myself for that moment. Like, when nurses are seated, you just run so they are caught shocked and react a few seconds later.
Dinner 1825-1855
1 large pc fish asam pedas
1 serving stirfried brinjal in lots of oil
1/3 plate rice
some pickled cucumber
3/4 orange
1 coffee coconut pudding
The fish was outstanding! =) Well, kinda oily at the edges, but the whole thing was just... shiok! The brinjals were a total oily mess though, no choice but to eat it... Quite gross with the chilli oil dripping from it!
Dessert was lipsmacking, i went wild over the coffee pudding, it is really nice with the coffee syrup! =)
Cheered up a little after dinner, with the warm tummy feeling, but feeling lonely and everything. Sigh...
Everything went downhill after 1900. My misery just, was so overwhelming, i was doing situps compulsively to hold back my tears. I was repeating in my head: I don't want to get fat here, and i am already eating enough to gain weight, therefore i must do situps. And doing something mindlessly repetitive just helps to hold back the deluge of tears waiting to burst through...
The nurse saw me, and dragged me to the front counter to sit so she can keep an eye on me. I was like crying hysterically at that point, that is how, like, mentally unhinged at the thought of continuing to suffer here i am. The nurse was talking to me, but everything was reduced to background static noise with the chaos in my head.
While sitting there and waiting for mom and YueXi to arrive, i made up my mind to give up on the program if i stay in the hospital. I am not going to touch any supplements or any oily dish that i do not wish to take. If i can't choose pancakes or anything, fine, i am not going to eat. Period. If i am released, i will continue the supplements and eat in order to get my energy needs and to gain weight steadily.
In other words, as long as i am staying in this hell, i choose to give up the fight. =/
Mom and YueXi finally arrived after shopping, laden with tapowed Mos Burger food. We went into an Interview Room to talk in peace and quiet.
In the chilling confines of the room, i poured my heart and sobbed my eyes out. I just can't stand this place anymore! I need to get out! I issued the ultimatum, and i guess that had a great impact too. Can't mom just see that i am not going to recover staying here? I know that i can do it myself with much less pain outside!
Reached a compromise in the end. Mom will insist that i be allowed to leave tomorrow, and with the fresh air, hopefully, i would be able to return with a new perspective on everything. Personally, i am just going to not come back here. But no revealing that now, waiting till the last minute to resist would make the rebellion all the more effective.
Bushed out by the rollercoaster of emotions, collapsed into bed much earlier than usual. Stared blankly at the blaring TV, as Old Man watched his intently (he was betting on soccer or something). Eventually blinked out to sleep...
I woke up feeling this kind of dull pounding feeling in my head... i want to leave the ward! Please, somebody, just let me out of here! =( Pal Gal's outbreak was perfectly justified; i doubt any sane person will remain the same after a stay in this enclosed prison ward!
Sigh, actually, was like making a plan for this weekend in my head already, to make the caramel cookies (sent the recipe to YueXi the last time) and treat the family to a like non/low-fat version, but i think it would have to be put on hold now...
Breakfast 0820-0900
1 bowl oats
1 cup Marigold lowfat milk
1 eggwhite
1 cup tea
My favourite oats with added milk, mm, just the correct amount of milky sweetness! =p If only there's pancakes... Oh well, on Tuesday i guess!
Gee, actually, having the same neck as if i didn't upgrade. Grr, i could have gotten pancakes! Nah, never mind, i gave my bread away to Chubby Auntie (the kinda greedy one, eek) since there isn't toasters here today and i prefer my bread like 'kaya toast' crispy here.
Weird, the social worker is not here to see me yet. =/ Need to confirm with her about the meeting with my parents. And also kinda waiting for my turn with the psychiatrists, i really want to ask for like home leave if possible!
Watching the Amazing Race rerun, quite bored. Called home for a short chat together with WeiWei, so agonizing to have to spend a Saturday morning not being able to see Auntie Cynthia and my siblings, and spend a nice lazy day on the couch with the latest papers! =(
Aww, Roomie Guy's mom is here and he is checking out now too! =/ *holds back tears* It is painful not being able to go out, and watching everyone else leave... Wishing them all a good time outside! =/ Just quite... sad that i can't go out too... Putting on a brave front and smile to face the day... But it is just... So hard...
1025
1 packet Ensure Plus (chocolate)
Hmm, tough choice for me today, so went with chocolate, don't think i can tahan another vanilla-tasting beverage with more Novasource later. =s
The morning flew by at a pretty fast clip. Absorbed by Powerpuff Girls and some Yu-Gi-Oh cartoons on Kids Central. Oh man, i really need to start getting a life! =( But only the old aunties and uncles are left here and i don't have anybody to chat with!
Saw the guy psychiatrist for just a short while. Sigh, pretty much confirmed that i would not be able to leave, till the Weigh In on Monday shows results...
The social worker came at 1100plus. We talked really, really long about myself, and i was honestly answering even the really personal questions, like doubting if i want to banish this eating problem etc. =/ Also discovered that i have a passive-aggressive personality. I may go along with rules and whatever, but once i'm free of them, hell, i'm going to do exactly the opposite of the rules! =/
Dr Lee also popped in to see me for a short moment, and recommended me to start going on antihistamines, or cough medicines, as they would help calm me down now that i'm all pepped up and full of energy and walking round, doing crunches, standing up etc. =s Eek! So compromised la: I would take when necessary, since i don't want to be feeling drowsy all the time.
The lounge is so empty now! =( All my usual eating partners are away, and i'm left by my lonesome self...
Now that the social worker is seeing my parents some other time, mom would be coming by later in the afternoon instead of now. =/ Oh well, was looking forward to a family meal, but it's ok, i would pig out by myself...
Lunch 1240-1315
1 large chicken drumstick in mustard butter sauce
1 serving stirfried spinach
2 large roast potatoes
1 bowl cream of mushroom
3/4 apple
The sauce was sinful but oh-so-fab! =) Okie, was trying to deskin my chicken carefully to get rid of the oily bits, but kinda hard to, so gave up in the end and just enjoyed the meat, haha.
Old Man loves having the aircon on and running, and i'm getting the major shivers just being in the room! =) Could i pretty please transfer to the A1 room since it is empty? Haha, wonder who will move into there next...
So i'm totally avoiding the room until the aircon is off! =s Brr, i still can't take temperatures which are too frigid!
The ward really is empty now! =( Like just me, Old Man and 2 or 3 old women left! It is sooo depressing! Oh well, Unhinged Woman is still around too, walked past her a few times today but did not trigger any nasty reactions, so it should be pretty safe today i guess!
The afternoon is positively dragging by, and everywhere i look, people are knocking off work and heading home. Even the nurses too... I'm feeling so moody and irritable, not to mention sleepy... =( But sleep just eludes me...
The more i meditate on this, the sadder i feel. Everyone is out there having fun, and they have all but forgotten about me already. =( My family enjoys weekends without me. I'm the hated non-entity who just brings shame on them.
Took a long, hot shower to try to wash the tears away... It is just a momentary numbing of my senses... I'm out here in the room again, trying not to think about my Saturday... It is just not fair! I am good and obedient, and i get punished by staying, while everyone else goes home! The unfairness of it all chafs against me...
Ya know, i have this crazy plan to just run out of the ward when the door slides open. Pack my stuff into my Quicksilver pencilcase and leave all the rubbish i don't need behind, and just run. For freedom. For sanity.
I fear the consequences, but i think that it would be worth it. Anything to get outta here. Somehow, one way or another. I would be biding my time now, waiting door the opportunity...
Mom called me, she is going to church now. My sullen mood just clouded everything and i'm missing home even worse, my heart aching for the comfortable refuge of the sofa or my bed.
1620
1 packet Novasource
As usual, after the Novasource, head spun round and had no space at all in my gut left for the afternoon tea: a banana cupcake. =s Imagine downing 6 cups of liquid in a halfhour, each cup being as sweet as a Starbucks caramel ice-blended! It is enough to make your head explode!
The cupcake looks really appetising though. Hmm... Ok, 'korkor' instincts win. I would give it to YueXi or WeiWei! =) Share the good things in life!
The skies outside are darkening into a deep, ugly shade of coming rainclouds... =( I'm so tired of looking out and wishing for freedom... I want to go now!
I am so tempted to throw a tantrum, to attempt to get my parents to let me out of here. But that will only make them angry and sad, since they are not able to do anything to get me out, with the doctors all at home already. The only way for me to get out is running out when the chance presents itself. =/ I'm steeling myself for that moment. Like, when nurses are seated, you just run so they are caught shocked and react a few seconds later.
Dinner 1825-1855
1 large pc fish asam pedas
1 serving stirfried brinjal in lots of oil
1/3 plate rice
some pickled cucumber
3/4 orange
1 coffee coconut pudding
The fish was outstanding! =) Well, kinda oily at the edges, but the whole thing was just... shiok! The brinjals were a total oily mess though, no choice but to eat it... Quite gross with the chilli oil dripping from it!
Dessert was lipsmacking, i went wild over the coffee pudding, it is really nice with the coffee syrup! =)
Cheered up a little after dinner, with the warm tummy feeling, but feeling lonely and everything. Sigh...
Everything went downhill after 1900. My misery just, was so overwhelming, i was doing situps compulsively to hold back my tears. I was repeating in my head: I don't want to get fat here, and i am already eating enough to gain weight, therefore i must do situps. And doing something mindlessly repetitive just helps to hold back the deluge of tears waiting to burst through...
The nurse saw me, and dragged me to the front counter to sit so she can keep an eye on me. I was like crying hysterically at that point, that is how, like, mentally unhinged at the thought of continuing to suffer here i am. The nurse was talking to me, but everything was reduced to background static noise with the chaos in my head.
While sitting there and waiting for mom and YueXi to arrive, i made up my mind to give up on the program if i stay in the hospital. I am not going to touch any supplements or any oily dish that i do not wish to take. If i can't choose pancakes or anything, fine, i am not going to eat. Period. If i am released, i will continue the supplements and eat in order to get my energy needs and to gain weight steadily.
In other words, as long as i am staying in this hell, i choose to give up the fight. =/
Mom and YueXi finally arrived after shopping, laden with tapowed Mos Burger food. We went into an Interview Room to talk in peace and quiet.
In the chilling confines of the room, i poured my heart and sobbed my eyes out. I just can't stand this place anymore! I need to get out! I issued the ultimatum, and i guess that had a great impact too. Can't mom just see that i am not going to recover staying here? I know that i can do it myself with much less pain outside!
Reached a compromise in the end. Mom will insist that i be allowed to leave tomorrow, and with the fresh air, hopefully, i would be able to return with a new perspective on everything. Personally, i am just going to not come back here. But no revealing that now, waiting till the last minute to resist would make the rebellion all the more effective.
Bushed out by the rollercoaster of emotions, collapsed into bed much earlier than usual. Stared blankly at the blaring TV, as Old Man watched his intently (he was betting on soccer or something). Eventually blinked out to sleep...
posted by Ryanryan at
Saturday, January 14, 2006
|
0 comments
Friday, January 13
Woke up late again, haiz, time to start setting alarm to ring at 0700 or else the nurses get really pissed if you sleep till breakfast time!
Just realized that it is a Friday the 13th today. =s Haha, can't have any good things that are going to happen! Imagine, what if the Unhinged Woman started stalking me a la Psycho in the shower, or my Ensure turned out to be rancid, or my breakfast has a glass shard hidden in it... =s Hee, stop scaring myself la, no such thing as bad luck day!
Wa finally, when i rolled the blinds up today, finally saw sunlight and no rain! =) It was like finally, a day that did not start off with a downpour!
Meditated by the window awhile, felt my spirits being lifted by the mere sight of sunshine... Wow...
Wondering if Dr Lee is coming over later. Apparently, she was on leave yesterday, and has not come by this morning yet. Am nursing the hope that i would be able to get home leave this weekend to see home once more... It is so hard not being able to lie on the home sofa! =( Missing home is like a constant toothache... It kinda niggles at you constantly, you try pushing it to the back of the mind, but it's always there. Threatening to erupt into full-scale pain yet again...
Ok ok, look on the bright side! =) Must keep reminding myself that!
One thing that i am wondering is if i should try reverse psychology... =( When i was on diet and exercising like mad to lose weight, it goes up or stays constant instead. However, when i am here TRYING to up my weight so i can go home, it drops faster than if i am relaxing at home instead! =s So does that mean i should go back into a dieting mindset and, in fact, diet, to try to up the weight?? Grr, it is exasperating...
Whoa cool, no pressure to eat this morning, the nurses aren't chasing people to eat or stuff, so i am finding it rather relaxing to slowly amble through my GP notes in my room and start eating only when the people i know better are also starting on their breakfasts!
Breakfast 0855-0935
1 bowl oats
1 cup Marigold lowfat milk
1 eggwhite
1 packet apple juice
1 slice toasted wholemeal bread
Quite normal-ish breakfast that was satisfying, but kinda dreading the meals to come. =s Gulp, seems like i have a ton of food to digest sometimes!
Enjoying the bright rays of the morning sun, unfortunately, have no place in the ward to enjoy it on my skin... In the courtyard, it is shining in the wrong direction, and i think my room can only catch the evening sun. Nooo...
1030
1 packet Ensure Plus (Fruits of the Forest)
Brrr, a little scared of the calorie-laden, sickly-sweet meal supplements already. =/ This flavor of Ensure was rather on the sweet side also, so had the bile rising uncomfortably in my throat, but no choice but to finish it. Oh well, down the hatch with lots of water to dilute it! =) Enjoy it as though it was a milkshake beverage at Starbucks!
The morning was spent mainly on reading that scary stack of GP notes on Mass Media, so it flew past. =/ Quite bored, with the welcoming sunshine, i just want to go to Orchard to walk or something!
Realized that when i have to swing between worries about food timings, i distract myself from the moodier thoughts that flow like an undercurrent in my head. =/ It just seems like, sigh, i am starting to come to terms with the fact that i still have a long stay here ahead of me... *sob*
It's so scary to realize that i have been in here for 10 days! =( It has been 10 long, hard days, and the halfway point is not even in sight! It is like, i wasted 2 weeks here because my weight never went up. I so hate myself for not making the weight shoot up these few days, or else i would be out of here quickly already!
It is so grossly unfair! I can't go home in the weekend! It has been the only thing keeping me going for the entire week and damn it, now i can't go home?! I am just raging against the wall and i am so mad at everyone. I hate everybody!
Sobbed my heart out against the wall, just so angry against the world. =( I have worked so hard to get the damn scales going correctly, and it does not budge at all in the direction i want it to go in.
Ordering my food for Saturday with a heavy heart. =( The last time i was ordering it together with Pal Gal, we were all choosing funny stuff knowing that we would not need to touch any of it. Now...
Standard lunch group again, sigh, no opportunity to take pictures of food, gee.
Lunch 1240-1315
1 pc fish fillet steamed 'Teochew' style (clear sauce)
1 serving stirfried long beans
1 plate rice
some pickled pineapples and cucumber
1 bowl chicken herbal soup (little oily)
18 grapes
Today's fish was shiok, and the sauce was quite nice too! Overall nicer experience than like last night, with the humongous potatoes! I would say that gradually, i'm getting used to everything, but i would still gladly drop the rice and replace it with tons of vegetables and fish!
Today's lunch was with Anita, a social worker. Quite ok, but depressing to learn during lunch that JC Gal and Intense Gal are going home during the weekend. I want to go too! It is so... demeaning to me that they are happy to leave the ward!
Discovered that Anita knew Uncle JiaFa and JinFeng laoshi! =) Whoa, they are like in-laws or something!
Speaking of which, Uncle JiaFa came by during my lunch, and we had a chat about... guess what, food! =/ He was pretty shocked to discover that no outside food is allowed here too, and also, like Auntie AikWah, sang the praises of drinking the water which is used to cook rice, which is supposed to be really good at piling weight on!
Oh, Anita wants me, so had to leave Uncle JiaFa and rejoin the lunch group for some activities. It turned out to be a sharing session, with each of us pulling out a slip of paper from an envelope and answering the question honestly. =/ During the session, i admitted that i don't know if, like, i want to kick this 'eating disorder'. It is like, actually, what defines me. Infact, i would say that IT IS ME!
After the session, returned to room. Uncle JiaFa's probably really busy so he just left. Parents in JB visiting popo, so they would probably come tonight. Long afternoon ahead...
Poor Pal Gal, she's not released for the weekend too, and even if her parents insisted that she can leave, Dr Lee is on leave today and the nurse would not let any patient go on home leave without their doctor's approval. Crap. =/ I feel really sorry for ourselves...
My roomie got bad news too, his doctor told him that he can only leave on the 24th, when he had been expecting that he can be released next week! =( The doctors here are crooks out to make us miserable and let the hospital suck our piggy banks dry with horrible, overcharged food i rather not eat! Grr...
Intense Gal just checked out round 1500, i'm so envious! Bade her goodbye and all the best! =) Take care over the weekend, gal!
Wow, Eugene, ChongPeng, GuoFeng and Gabriel are here to visit me! =) With all my energy, i was like bopping all over the place and just chatting like mad! =) We were crapping all the usual guy stuff and making a hell lot of noise!
1615
300ml Novasource
Seems like it was a madhouse this afternoon! I was sipping my Novasource (super dilute this time!) while we tuned into ESPN to watch sports. And still crapping and saying all the dirty stuff guys chat! =)
Eek, Unhinged Woman freaked out totally when i was standing right next to her at the counter getting a spoon for my Novasource! I was shocked to pieces and hared out of there quickly!
My poor classmate's tummies were rumbling and they headed off to the Kopitiam. Take care guys, and thanks for visiting! =) And for the snacks too!
Friday the 13th seems to be turning out horrible for all the patients here! Pal Gal is like in a huge row with her mom about not being able to leave during the weekend... =( I'm sharing the same sentiments too! I think i would try going over to comfort her later!
Mdm Pang called too, and was quite nice over the phone! =) Gee, she isn't the nasty teacher i thought she was! Ok, well, strict and stern, but she is a good teacher, or else my Chemistry would be lousy without all the chasing she did!
New roomie, Old Man, right now. Haven't spoken much to him, but think i will get to know him better as the days pass!
Need to give Pastor Lim a call, he was looking for me during my lunch therapy session. =/ Hmm, not very sure who he is though. Never mind, i would just call to find out!
Oh, ok, by the voice, he is Yuheng's dad! =) Felt real bad that he came by at lunch and missed me too! We chatted and i was greatly encouraged by him! =) Really thankful that i have so many people on my side supporting me on my hospital stay to gain weight!
Heh, popped the almond cookies i know WeiWei and YueXi will love into a bag of goodies that Gabriel and guys brought for me (but that i can't eat! *sob*), to pass to mom later. =) Can share my good mood with them!
Delayed my dinner because i'm still full from my supplement. =s *burp!*
Joined the dinner table while the others are eating. Pal Gal still seems pretty upset and probably in her room. =/ Hope she would be fine!
A little disgusted by one of the aunties here who is like rather greedy and unhygienic... =s Well, not to be rude, but i have seen dogs which lap food up more gracefully than her... Er, and it is kinda appetite-killing to see a person literally scratch everywhere on her body when she is sitting down... =s Okie, must be grossing you guys out with the description!
Not sure when mom would arrive, feel a little like eating together with her. =/ But i guess she will probably have her dinner outside. Just missing the feeling of eating together with family...
Dinner 1910-1940
1 pc grilled salmon in teriyaki sauce
1 serving stirfried broccoli, cauliflower and carrot
1 mashed potato tower
some macaroni soup
15 grapes
1 cup honeydew sago
Yum, the salmon was really nice and warm, with barely any fishy smell! =p I started off savoring it bite by small bite, and finished off devouring it in huge chunks! And the dessert was super! In addition to the grapes (my 2nd serving saved over from lunch), the honeydew sago was so sweet yet light on the palate, and the soft tender sago balls offered just the smallest resistance to the bite! Mm... Love their desserts! =)
Mom is shopping at Orchard and coming down later with dad. Can't wait to see them!
The ward seems pretty empty with so many people gone for the weekend. =/ Pal Gal seems to have left too! I wish i could also leave! Feeling the tinges of a full-blown jealousy complex coming on...
Finding it kinda irritating and noisy in the ward at the moment, with Old Man turning his TV volume on at full blast watching some Taiwanese variety program, which, you know, are infamous for their extravagant 'cute-cartoon'-y sound effects! It is driving me positively nuts!
Roomie Guy is helping out a little girl outside with her Chinese sentence construction. Both of them look so cute together! =) Surprisingly, the little girl looks Indian and yet takes Chinese!
Ooh, it is a patient's birthday tomorrow, and her family gave everyone cakes! =) It is this decadent chocolate fudge-y cake, like a brownie, studded with macademia nuts inside! =p Slurp! Sigh, but i passed it up, kinda too guilt-ridden after everything i have taken today. Save it up for mom, who will definitely love it! =)
Argh, the nasty dietician (not mine, the other one) didn't let me choose pancakes for breakfast tomorrow! Grr... I am so going to have a word with MY dietician about it. I upgraded my menu in order to choose pancakes, damn you!! =s
Mom, dad and YueXi came sound 2130 and we sought privacy out in a meeting room to talk in peace. Hmm, i'm feeling so happy just to see them and talk like mad! =) Yep, sis and mom definitely loved the slice of brownie cake!
I'm so disappointed that they really want me to stay for the weekend instead of helping me try to convince Dr Lee to let me out! =( Tried to hide my disappointment, but it was so crushing to me, that they don't want me home!
Acted happy and everything even though i'm broken inside... Oh well, i can sob my heart out later on my pillow...
Waved goodbye to them as the doors slid shut again... It feels so horrible being trapped in this ward... At least WeiWei and YueXi got a bit of my love through in the form of the almond cookies... =/ This is going to be a miserable night and weekend for me...
Just realized that it is a Friday the 13th today. =s Haha, can't have any good things that are going to happen! Imagine, what if the Unhinged Woman started stalking me a la Psycho in the shower, or my Ensure turned out to be rancid, or my breakfast has a glass shard hidden in it... =s Hee, stop scaring myself la, no such thing as bad luck day!
Wa finally, when i rolled the blinds up today, finally saw sunlight and no rain! =) It was like finally, a day that did not start off with a downpour!
Meditated by the window awhile, felt my spirits being lifted by the mere sight of sunshine... Wow...
Wondering if Dr Lee is coming over later. Apparently, she was on leave yesterday, and has not come by this morning yet. Am nursing the hope that i would be able to get home leave this weekend to see home once more... It is so hard not being able to lie on the home sofa! =( Missing home is like a constant toothache... It kinda niggles at you constantly, you try pushing it to the back of the mind, but it's always there. Threatening to erupt into full-scale pain yet again...
Ok ok, look on the bright side! =) Must keep reminding myself that!
One thing that i am wondering is if i should try reverse psychology... =( When i was on diet and exercising like mad to lose weight, it goes up or stays constant instead. However, when i am here TRYING to up my weight so i can go home, it drops faster than if i am relaxing at home instead! =s So does that mean i should go back into a dieting mindset and, in fact, diet, to try to up the weight?? Grr, it is exasperating...
Whoa cool, no pressure to eat this morning, the nurses aren't chasing people to eat or stuff, so i am finding it rather relaxing to slowly amble through my GP notes in my room and start eating only when the people i know better are also starting on their breakfasts!
Breakfast 0855-0935
1 bowl oats
1 cup Marigold lowfat milk
1 eggwhite
1 packet apple juice
1 slice toasted wholemeal bread
Quite normal-ish breakfast that was satisfying, but kinda dreading the meals to come. =s Gulp, seems like i have a ton of food to digest sometimes!
Enjoying the bright rays of the morning sun, unfortunately, have no place in the ward to enjoy it on my skin... In the courtyard, it is shining in the wrong direction, and i think my room can only catch the evening sun. Nooo...
1030
1 packet Ensure Plus (Fruits of the Forest)
Brrr, a little scared of the calorie-laden, sickly-sweet meal supplements already. =/ This flavor of Ensure was rather on the sweet side also, so had the bile rising uncomfortably in my throat, but no choice but to finish it. Oh well, down the hatch with lots of water to dilute it! =) Enjoy it as though it was a milkshake beverage at Starbucks!
The morning was spent mainly on reading that scary stack of GP notes on Mass Media, so it flew past. =/ Quite bored, with the welcoming sunshine, i just want to go to Orchard to walk or something!
Realized that when i have to swing between worries about food timings, i distract myself from the moodier thoughts that flow like an undercurrent in my head. =/ It just seems like, sigh, i am starting to come to terms with the fact that i still have a long stay here ahead of me... *sob*
It's so scary to realize that i have been in here for 10 days! =( It has been 10 long, hard days, and the halfway point is not even in sight! It is like, i wasted 2 weeks here because my weight never went up. I so hate myself for not making the weight shoot up these few days, or else i would be out of here quickly already!
It is so grossly unfair! I can't go home in the weekend! It has been the only thing keeping me going for the entire week and damn it, now i can't go home?! I am just raging against the wall and i am so mad at everyone. I hate everybody!
Sobbed my heart out against the wall, just so angry against the world. =( I have worked so hard to get the damn scales going correctly, and it does not budge at all in the direction i want it to go in.
Ordering my food for Saturday with a heavy heart. =( The last time i was ordering it together with Pal Gal, we were all choosing funny stuff knowing that we would not need to touch any of it. Now...
Standard lunch group again, sigh, no opportunity to take pictures of food, gee.
Lunch 1240-1315
1 pc fish fillet steamed 'Teochew' style (clear sauce)
1 serving stirfried long beans
1 plate rice
some pickled pineapples and cucumber
1 bowl chicken herbal soup (little oily)
18 grapes
Today's fish was shiok, and the sauce was quite nice too! Overall nicer experience than like last night, with the humongous potatoes! I would say that gradually, i'm getting used to everything, but i would still gladly drop the rice and replace it with tons of vegetables and fish!
Today's lunch was with Anita, a social worker. Quite ok, but depressing to learn during lunch that JC Gal and Intense Gal are going home during the weekend. I want to go too! It is so... demeaning to me that they are happy to leave the ward!
Discovered that Anita knew Uncle JiaFa and JinFeng laoshi! =) Whoa, they are like in-laws or something!
Speaking of which, Uncle JiaFa came by during my lunch, and we had a chat about... guess what, food! =/ He was pretty shocked to discover that no outside food is allowed here too, and also, like Auntie AikWah, sang the praises of drinking the water which is used to cook rice, which is supposed to be really good at piling weight on!
Oh, Anita wants me, so had to leave Uncle JiaFa and rejoin the lunch group for some activities. It turned out to be a sharing session, with each of us pulling out a slip of paper from an envelope and answering the question honestly. =/ During the session, i admitted that i don't know if, like, i want to kick this 'eating disorder'. It is like, actually, what defines me. Infact, i would say that IT IS ME!
After the session, returned to room. Uncle JiaFa's probably really busy so he just left. Parents in JB visiting popo, so they would probably come tonight. Long afternoon ahead...
Poor Pal Gal, she's not released for the weekend too, and even if her parents insisted that she can leave, Dr Lee is on leave today and the nurse would not let any patient go on home leave without their doctor's approval. Crap. =/ I feel really sorry for ourselves...
My roomie got bad news too, his doctor told him that he can only leave on the 24th, when he had been expecting that he can be released next week! =( The doctors here are crooks out to make us miserable and let the hospital suck our piggy banks dry with horrible, overcharged food i rather not eat! Grr...
Intense Gal just checked out round 1500, i'm so envious! Bade her goodbye and all the best! =) Take care over the weekend, gal!
Wow, Eugene, ChongPeng, GuoFeng and Gabriel are here to visit me! =) With all my energy, i was like bopping all over the place and just chatting like mad! =) We were crapping all the usual guy stuff and making a hell lot of noise!
1615
300ml Novasource
Seems like it was a madhouse this afternoon! I was sipping my Novasource (super dilute this time!) while we tuned into ESPN to watch sports. And still crapping and saying all the dirty stuff guys chat! =)
Eek, Unhinged Woman freaked out totally when i was standing right next to her at the counter getting a spoon for my Novasource! I was shocked to pieces and hared out of there quickly!
My poor classmate's tummies were rumbling and they headed off to the Kopitiam. Take care guys, and thanks for visiting! =) And for the snacks too!
Friday the 13th seems to be turning out horrible for all the patients here! Pal Gal is like in a huge row with her mom about not being able to leave during the weekend... =( I'm sharing the same sentiments too! I think i would try going over to comfort her later!
Mdm Pang called too, and was quite nice over the phone! =) Gee, she isn't the nasty teacher i thought she was! Ok, well, strict and stern, but she is a good teacher, or else my Chemistry would be lousy without all the chasing she did!
New roomie, Old Man, right now. Haven't spoken much to him, but think i will get to know him better as the days pass!
Need to give Pastor Lim a call, he was looking for me during my lunch therapy session. =/ Hmm, not very sure who he is though. Never mind, i would just call to find out!
Oh, ok, by the voice, he is Yuheng's dad! =) Felt real bad that he came by at lunch and missed me too! We chatted and i was greatly encouraged by him! =) Really thankful that i have so many people on my side supporting me on my hospital stay to gain weight!
Heh, popped the almond cookies i know WeiWei and YueXi will love into a bag of goodies that Gabriel and guys brought for me (but that i can't eat! *sob*), to pass to mom later. =) Can share my good mood with them!
Delayed my dinner because i'm still full from my supplement. =s *burp!*
Joined the dinner table while the others are eating. Pal Gal still seems pretty upset and probably in her room. =/ Hope she would be fine!
A little disgusted by one of the aunties here who is like rather greedy and unhygienic... =s Well, not to be rude, but i have seen dogs which lap food up more gracefully than her... Er, and it is kinda appetite-killing to see a person literally scratch everywhere on her body when she is sitting down... =s Okie, must be grossing you guys out with the description!
Not sure when mom would arrive, feel a little like eating together with her. =/ But i guess she will probably have her dinner outside. Just missing the feeling of eating together with family...
Dinner 1910-1940
1 pc grilled salmon in teriyaki sauce
1 serving stirfried broccoli, cauliflower and carrot
1 mashed potato tower
some macaroni soup
15 grapes
1 cup honeydew sago
Yum, the salmon was really nice and warm, with barely any fishy smell! =p I started off savoring it bite by small bite, and finished off devouring it in huge chunks! And the dessert was super! In addition to the grapes (my 2nd serving saved over from lunch), the honeydew sago was so sweet yet light on the palate, and the soft tender sago balls offered just the smallest resistance to the bite! Mm... Love their desserts! =)
Mom is shopping at Orchard and coming down later with dad. Can't wait to see them!
The ward seems pretty empty with so many people gone for the weekend. =/ Pal Gal seems to have left too! I wish i could also leave! Feeling the tinges of a full-blown jealousy complex coming on...
Finding it kinda irritating and noisy in the ward at the moment, with Old Man turning his TV volume on at full blast watching some Taiwanese variety program, which, you know, are infamous for their extravagant 'cute-cartoon'-y sound effects! It is driving me positively nuts!
Roomie Guy is helping out a little girl outside with her Chinese sentence construction. Both of them look so cute together! =) Surprisingly, the little girl looks Indian and yet takes Chinese!
Ooh, it is a patient's birthday tomorrow, and her family gave everyone cakes! =) It is this decadent chocolate fudge-y cake, like a brownie, studded with macademia nuts inside! =p Slurp! Sigh, but i passed it up, kinda too guilt-ridden after everything i have taken today. Save it up for mom, who will definitely love it! =)
Argh, the nasty dietician (not mine, the other one) didn't let me choose pancakes for breakfast tomorrow! Grr... I am so going to have a word with MY dietician about it. I upgraded my menu in order to choose pancakes, damn you!! =s
Mom, dad and YueXi came sound 2130 and we sought privacy out in a meeting room to talk in peace. Hmm, i'm feeling so happy just to see them and talk like mad! =) Yep, sis and mom definitely loved the slice of brownie cake!
I'm so disappointed that they really want me to stay for the weekend instead of helping me try to convince Dr Lee to let me out! =( Tried to hide my disappointment, but it was so crushing to me, that they don't want me home!
Acted happy and everything even though i'm broken inside... Oh well, i can sob my heart out later on my pillow...
Waved goodbye to them as the doors slid shut again... It feels so horrible being trapped in this ward... At least WeiWei and YueXi got a bit of my love through in the form of the almond cookies... =/ This is going to be a miserable night and weekend for me...
posted by Ryanryan at
Friday, January 13, 2006
|
2 comments
